This is about a guy I knew who I met over here:
Speaking of lost friends:
Sometimes, the world proves just how small it truly is. As I was talking to chow today, I met a guy I haven't seen since basic. It was this guy named Chow, and he was in the rehab unit at Knox with me. That's pretty significant to me because there were very few people out of that unit that actually rehabilitated and finished basic. Apparently this guy is in the unit I'm replacing out here in Iraq.
Chow's a character; when he talks you can barely understand him and hes a little on the eccentric side. He's a Chinese national who came to America to find a better life and joined the Army to earn his citizenship. His wife and family is still in china waiting for the opportunity to come over. He hopes he can get his citizenship when he gets back to do so.
This is a guy who moved to another country vastly different than his own, and fought in a war that many people question just for the chance at a better life for himself and his family. To me that's amazing and a testament to what some people are willing to do for a better tomorrow. It's a shame that I don't even see a fraction of that drive in my peers across America. Just a little
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Today
Wrote this this morning:
Well things change pretty fast around here. About three hours after I wrote the last post we got alerted for a mission and have been going full speed for the last 2 days. As soon as we returned from the one 24 hour mission we got tasked with battalion QRF. Which is where you have to be ready to go within 15 minutes and relieve anyone with issues such as recovering a mired vehicle or doing casevac for a a platoon. If nothing happens it's not too bad except for the fact that you can't go anywhere or do anything.
In the Army theres this rule about publicly making disparaging remarks about the army, your unit, the country or its leaders. I try to adhere to that rule for no other reason than I enjoy my free time, pay and other benefits associated with not being in trouble. . I just thought I'd say that.
In something completely unrelated to my preceeding statement, the last few days attached to the infantry has been “Interesting”. There hasn't been any casulties as far as I know, but there have been 3 accidental discharges, 1 “test fire” at a stray dog and 1 rolled over vehicle. ... and I've been on one mission. so...yea...
We're finally looking at some down time for the first time in a week so hopefully I'll be able to get to the Internet and post all these and keep em updated on a semi regular basis. We're supposed to be homesteading out of where we are at for a few months at least. I still don't like the prospect of actually getting any mail because our address has changed for the 5th or 6th time since the week prior to deployment. We'll see what happens.
Well things change pretty fast around here. About three hours after I wrote the last post we got alerted for a mission and have been going full speed for the last 2 days. As soon as we returned from the one 24 hour mission we got tasked with battalion QRF. Which is where you have to be ready to go within 15 minutes and relieve anyone with issues such as recovering a mired vehicle or doing casevac for a a platoon. If nothing happens it's not too bad except for the fact that you can't go anywhere or do anything.
In the Army theres this rule about publicly making disparaging remarks about the army, your unit, the country or its leaders. I try to adhere to that rule for no other reason than I enjoy my free time, pay and other benefits associated with not being in trouble. . I just thought I'd say that.
In something completely unrelated to my preceeding statement, the last few days attached to the infantry has been “Interesting”. There hasn't been any casulties as far as I know, but there have been 3 accidental discharges, 1 “test fire” at a stray dog and 1 rolled over vehicle. ... and I've been on one mission. so...yea...
We're finally looking at some down time for the first time in a week so hopefully I'll be able to get to the Internet and post all these and keep em updated on a semi regular basis. We're supposed to be homesteading out of where we are at for a few months at least. I still don't like the prospect of actually getting any mail because our address has changed for the 5th or 6th time since the week prior to deployment. We'll see what happens.
next one
From about 5-6 days ago:
Well, time to chalk up another experience I'd rather not replicate ever again. We spent about 15 hours driving from Mosul to outside of Baghdad. The smell emanating from my body afterwards was far from pleasant. Sitting in a drivers hole for 13 straight hours when its 105 degrees is not conducive to smelling good. The aggravating part is that it shouldn't even have taken that long, but ol Murphy is a motherfucker.
Other than that things are going great. Our platoon got attached to another infantry company in our brigade and we are totally independent from our troop and squadron. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the way that worked out. Hopefully, that'll be for the remainder of our time here, but that would be too good to be true.
The only bad part is that the infantry guys just got here and we'll probaly have to wait a couple weeks while they do their right seat rides and take over their AOR. After that we're supposed to be getting into it pretty thick. I just wish I knew what exactly that entailed.
I haven't seen much of Baghdad yet, but its definitely a lot different than I expected. The countryside is a lot more green than I expected. There are trees and fields everywhere. I used to wonder how this place was the “cradle of civilization” but I can see it now. The camp they have us on is huge, theres at least a whole division here and it's hooked up pretty sweet like; it's definitely better than anything we had at Lewis.
Well, time to chalk up another experience I'd rather not replicate ever again. We spent about 15 hours driving from Mosul to outside of Baghdad. The smell emanating from my body afterwards was far from pleasant. Sitting in a drivers hole for 13 straight hours when its 105 degrees is not conducive to smelling good. The aggravating part is that it shouldn't even have taken that long, but ol Murphy is a motherfucker.
Other than that things are going great. Our platoon got attached to another infantry company in our brigade and we are totally independent from our troop and squadron. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the way that worked out. Hopefully, that'll be for the remainder of our time here, but that would be too good to be true.
The only bad part is that the infantry guys just got here and we'll probaly have to wait a couple weeks while they do their right seat rides and take over their AOR. After that we're supposed to be getting into it pretty thick. I just wish I knew what exactly that entailed.
I haven't seen much of Baghdad yet, but its definitely a lot different than I expected. The countryside is a lot more green than I expected. There are trees and fields everywhere. I used to wonder how this place was the “cradle of civilization” but I can see it now. The camp they have us on is huge, theres at least a whole division here and it's hooked up pretty sweet like; it's definitely better than anything we had at Lewis.
okay back up
Alright, well finally got the chance to sit down for a little bit and add those old posts. We'll see how long I can keep it up.
____
This is my first one from Mosul:
Anyway, things are going well up here in case anyone was worried. We hit ground in Kuwait and 2 days later we were running missions in Mosul with the unit we are replacing. I've seen a lot of Mosul and the surrounding country in that time, and its a lot to take in.
For starters, the country side is simply unbelievable. I never imagined that there was still tons of people still living in mud and brick houses with thatch roofs. You can't help but feel bad about the things we as American's take for granted when you look at these villages that look like something out of national geographic or pictures of America pre-industrial age.
The city, while not very big (at least as Chicago goes) looks like the projects on a much grander scale. There are people living in crumbling houses with no walls, there are bare-foot little kids everywhere and the whole power system looks like it was jerry-rigged with clothes line, along with other miscellaneous pieces of junk.
It's a little weird saying all the people waving, smiling and give thumbs up signs as you roll down the street. It's certainly different than anything I've ever experienced in my life. That's not to say that all the people seem happy that we are there. Most of the people just seem to want to go about their daily business without interference from either side, and of course there are plenty of people who give us dirty looks or flip us off as we roll by. Then there is the attacks..
For the most part it seems that back home a lot of the attacks are over sensationalized. A lone mortar round indiscriminately lobbed in the fob, or someone chucking a hand grenade as vehicles roll under an underpass to little effect. However, there are highly coordinated attacks, that do produce casualties. They usually seem to hit the HMMVEEs or other lesser armed vehicles, in fact the only major attacks on Strykers appear to only happen after we (the US or the ING) do something that significantly disrupts the day to day lives of the people living in Mosul.
Keep in mind, this is only two weeks in. There's no telling how things will be in the future, but if it's any indication the unit we're taking over for said they had minimal amounts of contact up until the last few months. Our unit has already suffered a few casualties, as far as I know none have been fatal but some people have gotten pretty messed up. I'll refrain from talking about any particular incident for op sec and out of consideration of the people involved.
Overall, things aren't so bad here (yet) the living conditions are pretty good, and seem to get better as we adjust to life in a combat zone. Some people are having a harder time adjusting than others, but thats understandable. It certainly hasn't turned into the most stressful situation in my life, but again its only two weeks in. That's about it for now, hopefully I'll be able to update things a little bit more when we move to another camp.
____
This is my first one from Mosul:
Anyway, things are going well up here in case anyone was worried. We hit ground in Kuwait and 2 days later we were running missions in Mosul with the unit we are replacing. I've seen a lot of Mosul and the surrounding country in that time, and its a lot to take in.
For starters, the country side is simply unbelievable. I never imagined that there was still tons of people still living in mud and brick houses with thatch roofs. You can't help but feel bad about the things we as American's take for granted when you look at these villages that look like something out of national geographic or pictures of America pre-industrial age.
The city, while not very big (at least as Chicago goes) looks like the projects on a much grander scale. There are people living in crumbling houses with no walls, there are bare-foot little kids everywhere and the whole power system looks like it was jerry-rigged with clothes line, along with other miscellaneous pieces of junk.
It's a little weird saying all the people waving, smiling and give thumbs up signs as you roll down the street. It's certainly different than anything I've ever experienced in my life. That's not to say that all the people seem happy that we are there. Most of the people just seem to want to go about their daily business without interference from either side, and of course there are plenty of people who give us dirty looks or flip us off as we roll by. Then there is the attacks..
For the most part it seems that back home a lot of the attacks are over sensationalized. A lone mortar round indiscriminately lobbed in the fob, or someone chucking a hand grenade as vehicles roll under an underpass to little effect. However, there are highly coordinated attacks, that do produce casualties. They usually seem to hit the HMMVEEs or other lesser armed vehicles, in fact the only major attacks on Strykers appear to only happen after we (the US or the ING) do something that significantly disrupts the day to day lives of the people living in Mosul.
Keep in mind, this is only two weeks in. There's no telling how things will be in the future, but if it's any indication the unit we're taking over for said they had minimal amounts of contact up until the last few months. Our unit has already suffered a few casualties, as far as I know none have been fatal but some people have gotten pretty messed up. I'll refrain from talking about any particular incident for op sec and out of consideration of the people involved.
Overall, things aren't so bad here (yet) the living conditions are pretty good, and seem to get better as we adjust to life in a combat zone. Some people are having a harder time adjusting than others, but thats understandable. It certainly hasn't turned into the most stressful situation in my life, but again its only two weeks in. That's about it for now, hopefully I'll be able to update things a little bit more when we move to another camp.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Sorry
Things have been pretty hectic and online access is quite limited. I've been keeping updates on my laptop and when I get the chance (which *should*) be within the next 3-4 days I'll post em all. Otherwise, everything else is fine.
-Daniel
-Daniel
Saturday, October 02, 2004
The day I die
As I wait to fly in what used to be my room I can't help but contemplate the days to come. Re-reading some the things I've posted has encouraged me to expound on a few of the things I've said in the past, here and to certain people.
I've made my final preperations to depart, I've checked my bags twice, secured my finances and I've weathered the expected torrent of goodbyes, well wishes, re-assurances and promises of fun upon my return. Also, a question that seems universal to everyone I talk to about my impending deployment is “Are you scared?
There is no denying the possibility that I may never return to the United States. I'm sure my friends and family won't like reading that last sentence but it's the truth. In all reality I could just as easily die minding my business back in the states, and that I could live a long but unfulfilling pointless life. Death is the final truth that all of us has to accept at one point in time and all I can do is hope that when it comes that I am happy and content with the way that I have lived.
I remember a time in my life where nothing mattered at all to me. I didn't care how my actions effected those around or even myself. I'd still be on that path if it wasn't for the people who went out of their way to help me. What type of person would I be if I was unwilling to step up and help other people? Not much of one, at least in my opinion.
All the political pandering and hyperbole prevailant on both sides of today's political spectrum can't change the fact that hundreds of thousands people died at the hands of Saddam Hussein and there was no foreseeable end to all of it. I can only hope that my service and those of my peers can actually make a difference when all is said and done.
The war in Iraq is far from over, and the end result remains to be seen. There have been mistakes, and things definitely could have been done better all around. That shouldn't stop us from moving forward and doing everything we can. The War on Terrorism won't just be won with big guns and missles, it will be won on the home front, and in the minds of people that many of us will never have the opprutunity to meet.
It's important to realize these people so often demonized in the media are people too, with beliefs, desires and wishes not so different than our own. If we don't then we are doomed to continually come in conflict with these people who at the root of things want the same thing we do, the same thing that many of us take for granted: Life, libery and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm just a grunt, a minor player in the grand scheme of things. So, I go forth to do what I do, hoping to make a difference no matter how small and only pray that we as a society can find a solution to the lingering issues and differences that manifest itself in the minds and effectuations of people such as Osama Bin, Saddam Hussein, and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
However, until that time comes it is necessary for people to figh;. I just happen to be one of those people. So to answer that question “Are you afraid” I always say the same thing, “Of course not”. I don't say that to boost myself or appear more manly, of course there is a certain level of trepidation of the unknown and what may come. In actuality, I am more afraid of the degraded mentality that would accompany the belief that nothing is worth fighting for and that I am too good to give the next man the same compassion and asisstance I once received.
Indeed, the day that I adopt that mentality as my own is the day that I shall truly be dead.
-----------------------------------------
I've had these thoughts in my mind for a long time, and not a day goes by that I don't re-evaluate where I stand in regards to many things. If it seems like I'm repeating myself then I truly apologize. I'm just simply trying to clarify some of my own thoughts so I can better understand where I am coming from myself. Hopefully when I hit the ground I'll have more things to post that other people will find more interesting ;)
I've made my final preperations to depart, I've checked my bags twice, secured my finances and I've weathered the expected torrent of goodbyes, well wishes, re-assurances and promises of fun upon my return. Also, a question that seems universal to everyone I talk to about my impending deployment is “Are you scared?
There is no denying the possibility that I may never return to the United States. I'm sure my friends and family won't like reading that last sentence but it's the truth. In all reality I could just as easily die minding my business back in the states, and that I could live a long but unfulfilling pointless life. Death is the final truth that all of us has to accept at one point in time and all I can do is hope that when it comes that I am happy and content with the way that I have lived.
I remember a time in my life where nothing mattered at all to me. I didn't care how my actions effected those around or even myself. I'd still be on that path if it wasn't for the people who went out of their way to help me. What type of person would I be if I was unwilling to step up and help other people? Not much of one, at least in my opinion.
All the political pandering and hyperbole prevailant on both sides of today's political spectrum can't change the fact that hundreds of thousands people died at the hands of Saddam Hussein and there was no foreseeable end to all of it. I can only hope that my service and those of my peers can actually make a difference when all is said and done.
The war in Iraq is far from over, and the end result remains to be seen. There have been mistakes, and things definitely could have been done better all around. That shouldn't stop us from moving forward and doing everything we can. The War on Terrorism won't just be won with big guns and missles, it will be won on the home front, and in the minds of people that many of us will never have the opprutunity to meet.
It's important to realize these people so often demonized in the media are people too, with beliefs, desires and wishes not so different than our own. If we don't then we are doomed to continually come in conflict with these people who at the root of things want the same thing we do, the same thing that many of us take for granted: Life, libery and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm just a grunt, a minor player in the grand scheme of things. So, I go forth to do what I do, hoping to make a difference no matter how small and only pray that we as a society can find a solution to the lingering issues and differences that manifest itself in the minds and effectuations of people such as Osama Bin, Saddam Hussein, and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
However, until that time comes it is necessary for people to figh;. I just happen to be one of those people. So to answer that question “Are you afraid” I always say the same thing, “Of course not”. I don't say that to boost myself or appear more manly, of course there is a certain level of trepidation of the unknown and what may come. In actuality, I am more afraid of the degraded mentality that would accompany the belief that nothing is worth fighting for and that I am too good to give the next man the same compassion and asisstance I once received.
Indeed, the day that I adopt that mentality as my own is the day that I shall truly be dead.
-----------------------------------------
I've had these thoughts in my mind for a long time, and not a day goes by that I don't re-evaluate where I stand in regards to many things. If it seems like I'm repeating myself then I truly apologize. I'm just simply trying to clarify some of my own thoughts so I can better understand where I am coming from myself. Hopefully when I hit the ground I'll have more things to post that other people will find more interesting ;)
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Iraq
ell, I've been procrastinating on writing this for some time now, but D-day is edging closer and closer. So, I finally decided to get off my ass, sit down and write this (I'll let you figure that one out). In this ?little? post I may talk about my overall feelings on the war in Iraq and war in general, some of my past, my feelings toward the army and whatever other tangent I manage to find myself on. We'll just see where it goes.
I have a lot of good reasons as to why I should maintain a journal like this, but in actually it boils down to one thing: stemming the inevitable flow of boredom. I've been in the Army long enough to know that anything you do will be filled with copious amounts of mind numbingly boring time. I guess I'm also doing this for my family, the many people I have come to know through the Internet, individual piece of mind, self realization and the ever looming prospect of getting poontang (priorities).
I guess a little introduction is in order. I'm a 19D cavalry scout currently assigned to the Army's second Stryker brigade. I was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. It's not exactly the best place to live in this country and you'll probaly hear me talk a lot of shit about it, but bottom line is that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My free time is usually spent doing school work, working out, reading books or fucking around on my computer. I've always enjoyed politics and history so I spend quite a bit of time following current events and discussing them on line. I got the idea to maintain one of those so that people I have been bantering with for several years can get my personal opinions on the way things are over there. So, I guess that's hello.
For those who have never been in the service, it's pretty trippy. I've had a lot of bumps in the road and gotten some rough deals in the Army but overall I've enjoyed my service to this country. I don't see this deployment changing that too much.
I'll be honest, I really don't give two fucks about the average Iraqi. I've met some pretty cool Iraqi's and I harbor no ill will towards any of them, but I can't honestly say my change would change dramatically if god decided to smite Babylon for a second time. This holds true for most places in the world.
However, on a matter of principal I think it was a good thing that we did in coming into Iraq. As bad as I might have had it in my life, I can't even begin fathom how some people lived under Saddam Hussein. I can certainly appreciate the good that has been done in this country, and in reality, if we hadn't done it, no one (not even the UN) would have. That doesn't mean that I agree with the way everything has gone prior, during and since we have gone in, or that I even like the current administration.
I like the fact that we as American's are willing to step up and do a good thing in the world regardless of what the rest of the hypocritical world may do or say. That's not to say that I am blind to the blatant hypocrisy prevalent in our neck of the woods, but I'm happy when something good comes of it. I don't think the fact that one or two corporations may profit from something is any reason to not do it, if it should be done regardless.
Unlike some people in this country I have no problems putting my blood, sweat, and tears behind my principals & ideals. So, with that and what I previously said in mind I can honestly say that I have no qualms about going into Iraq (and in fact endorsed it), even if I think that the American people would be better served with finding those directly responsible for the attacks on this country.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the personal fascination with going to ?war?. I guess this can be chalked up to youthful exuberance or a symptom of the super-man complex. I can't say it matters either way, because ever since I was a kid collecting G.I. Joes, I've had a latent desire to go to ?war?. I can't really say if its the desire to prove myself, the prospect of adventure, or just a certain amount of recklessness, but nevertheless the desire is there.
When I went home on leave it seemed like everyone was telling me that I was either crazy or stupid and that I should just run to Canada and sit this one out. But all bullshit aside: there is nothing that could be said or done that would make me back out of this deployment. I know I'll probaly want to smack myself for saying such things 6 months from now, but its what I feel in my heart. As much shit as I talk I won't turn my back on the guys in my unit, and I damn sure would never be able to live with myself if I balked at the only true opportunity I may ever have to prove myself a man, in the ancient sense of the word.
When I tell a lot of people these things, they all seem to ask if I'm scared. The honest answer to the question is ?Yea, of course I'm scared? , but its not in the sense that many people believe. I have the same level of fear of going to Iraq, that I've had everyday living in the states: the fear that my life will be inconsequential, marred by mediocracy and and plagued by the fear of never doing anything worthwhile. My fear is not that I will lose my life on this world, but that in doing so I will lose all the opportunity and all the chances to be something important to this world or at the very least to myself. However, I've come to realize if I let those fears dictate my actions throughout life, than my fears have already been realized, and that I have failed. In essence It's a catch 22, I have to do to live, but in doing so I risk death. I guess that is where faith comes into play.
In any event, thats all I got for now so hopefully I made a little bit of sense. I'll probaly write a little more in the upcoming days and months as it comes to me, and it will be interesting to see what effect my this will have my thoughts.
I have a lot of good reasons as to why I should maintain a journal like this, but in actually it boils down to one thing: stemming the inevitable flow of boredom. I've been in the Army long enough to know that anything you do will be filled with copious amounts of mind numbingly boring time. I guess I'm also doing this for my family, the many people I have come to know through the Internet, individual piece of mind, self realization and the ever looming prospect of getting poontang (priorities).
I guess a little introduction is in order. I'm a 19D cavalry scout currently assigned to the Army's second Stryker brigade. I was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. It's not exactly the best place to live in this country and you'll probaly hear me talk a lot of shit about it, but bottom line is that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My free time is usually spent doing school work, working out, reading books or fucking around on my computer. I've always enjoyed politics and history so I spend quite a bit of time following current events and discussing them on line. I got the idea to maintain one of those so that people I have been bantering with for several years can get my personal opinions on the way things are over there. So, I guess that's hello.
For those who have never been in the service, it's pretty trippy. I've had a lot of bumps in the road and gotten some rough deals in the Army but overall I've enjoyed my service to this country. I don't see this deployment changing that too much.
I'll be honest, I really don't give two fucks about the average Iraqi. I've met some pretty cool Iraqi's and I harbor no ill will towards any of them, but I can't honestly say my change would change dramatically if god decided to smite Babylon for a second time. This holds true for most places in the world.
However, on a matter of principal I think it was a good thing that we did in coming into Iraq. As bad as I might have had it in my life, I can't even begin fathom how some people lived under Saddam Hussein. I can certainly appreciate the good that has been done in this country, and in reality, if we hadn't done it, no one (not even the UN) would have. That doesn't mean that I agree with the way everything has gone prior, during and since we have gone in, or that I even like the current administration.
I like the fact that we as American's are willing to step up and do a good thing in the world regardless of what the rest of the hypocritical world may do or say. That's not to say that I am blind to the blatant hypocrisy prevalent in our neck of the woods, but I'm happy when something good comes of it. I don't think the fact that one or two corporations may profit from something is any reason to not do it, if it should be done regardless.
Unlike some people in this country I have no problems putting my blood, sweat, and tears behind my principals & ideals. So, with that and what I previously said in mind I can honestly say that I have no qualms about going into Iraq (and in fact endorsed it), even if I think that the American people would be better served with finding those directly responsible for the attacks on this country.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the personal fascination with going to ?war?. I guess this can be chalked up to youthful exuberance or a symptom of the super-man complex. I can't say it matters either way, because ever since I was a kid collecting G.I. Joes, I've had a latent desire to go to ?war?. I can't really say if its the desire to prove myself, the prospect of adventure, or just a certain amount of recklessness, but nevertheless the desire is there.
When I went home on leave it seemed like everyone was telling me that I was either crazy or stupid and that I should just run to Canada and sit this one out. But all bullshit aside: there is nothing that could be said or done that would make me back out of this deployment. I know I'll probaly want to smack myself for saying such things 6 months from now, but its what I feel in my heart. As much shit as I talk I won't turn my back on the guys in my unit, and I damn sure would never be able to live with myself if I balked at the only true opportunity I may ever have to prove myself a man, in the ancient sense of the word.
When I tell a lot of people these things, they all seem to ask if I'm scared. The honest answer to the question is ?Yea, of course I'm scared? , but its not in the sense that many people believe. I have the same level of fear of going to Iraq, that I've had everyday living in the states: the fear that my life will be inconsequential, marred by mediocracy and and plagued by the fear of never doing anything worthwhile. My fear is not that I will lose my life on this world, but that in doing so I will lose all the opportunity and all the chances to be something important to this world or at the very least to myself. However, I've come to realize if I let those fears dictate my actions throughout life, than my fears have already been realized, and that I have failed. In essence It's a catch 22, I have to do to live, but in doing so I risk death. I guess that is where faith comes into play.
In any event, thats all I got for now so hopefully I made a little bit of sense. I'll probaly write a little more in the upcoming days and months as it comes to me, and it will be interesting to see what effect my this will have my thoughts.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Life and times
One of the things that I`ve found out about life is that sometimes you meet alot of good people in places you would have never expected, but because of the shifting of life you become separated from most of them and never em again. Its a sobering feeling when your sitting next to someone having a great time and it hits you that in 3 years you`ll probaly barely remember this moment and the person you are sharing it with, caught up in the moment of the "now" then.
Yesterday two of my buddies got shot ina training accident. They are both okay and I`m not significantly shaken. I`ve seen alot of shit in my time, and it didn`t even register when it happened. Its not the fact that a few inches lower or higher and a couple of my buddies would be dead that scares me, it`s my reaction to it all:
I came home, ordered a pizza and went to sleep.
There was a time in my life when I was overly sensitive. Any complaint, criticism or trial of life would send me reeling. Through the many fights, real and metaphorical, this sensitivity calloused, leaving nothing but cynicism and apathy for others as well as my life.
There was a time even more recently when I saw this callousness as an plus, an edge to fight the never ending war of life. However, The farther I drift away from my sensitivity, the more I realize that I can never come back.
Its been almost three years but I am still back on the streets of Chicago. I can notgo into a store without scouting out all the possible exits and mapping out the layout of the cameras. I can never shake the feeling that somebody is always watching me, waiting, for that opprutunity to strike. In short I can never relax, and simply enjoy life. With the realization of this "reality" I then often wonder; why do I go on, what do I have to gain, where will I go and more importantly what the fuck will I do?
The path I am on will most certainly not lead me to any peace. I`m still slated to deploy within 60 days and there will undoubtedly be alot of struggle when (and if) I return to follow a college career that I simply can not afford. There is only (as there has always been) a small glimmer of hope, which may or may not be real that one day I will be able to lay down, relax and be liberated from the burdens I`ve carried my entire life.
The question I have asked myself much as of late is whether or not I will be able to relax even if the opprotunity presents itself. I honestly don`t think I will.
So, why do I go on?
I honestly don`t know.
Sometimes its simply because I have no choice and I`d rather not give the many naysayers the satisfaction of knowing they were right. Unfortunately, it appears that less and less it is because I truly have heartfelt hope. The reason that pops into my mind is staggeringly simple: I do it out of loyalty to my very few friends and family, to the ones still around and ones who are unfortunately not.
Which brings me the crux of the problem: What motivation will I have when my family and friends are gone? I`ve never lived a normal life. Everyday is greeted with the trepidation that someone close to me will be gone. I still remember how far my friend Ricky fell when his mother died, and I still remember those days that Ray-ray, Tavonne, Doug and my grandfather died (only one from natural causes mind you). I still remember when I got that phone call saying my best friend was facing the rest of his life in prison or something so stupid.
The only recourse I have ever found to deal with this is to steel myself from the emotions that accompany it, but the more I do the more I realize that by doing so, I steal from myself the very thing that keeps me going. The small part of me that is still idealistic wants to think that things will inevitably work out, but reality tells quite a different story. Its only a matter of time before I come crashing down, unable to go on or I slip into an unfeeling meaningless world of booze, drugs and women like every other male member of my family. I can only hope that I can somehow strive through till the end, for I have no place else to turn. I`ll never have a wife or child and its doubtful that I`ll meet anyone as meaningful to me as my old friends.
In essence, I`m trapped waiting for it end, but my pride will not allow me to end it myself or let anyone else do it without a fight. So what am I to do? Its a rhetorical question, because I`m as sure that I don` t know that no one else could possibly tell me the answer. So why even bother to type this out and then put it where others can read? I dunno; Maybe it will allow me to see where I have been and help me find where I should go, or maybe I`ll just feel a little better knowing I got some of it off my chest. We`ll see I guess. As for now I guess I`ve rambled on enough and should get back to work
Yesterday two of my buddies got shot ina training accident. They are both okay and I`m not significantly shaken. I`ve seen alot of shit in my time, and it didn`t even register when it happened. Its not the fact that a few inches lower or higher and a couple of my buddies would be dead that scares me, it`s my reaction to it all:
I came home, ordered a pizza and went to sleep.
There was a time in my life when I was overly sensitive. Any complaint, criticism or trial of life would send me reeling. Through the many fights, real and metaphorical, this sensitivity calloused, leaving nothing but cynicism and apathy for others as well as my life.
There was a time even more recently when I saw this callousness as an plus, an edge to fight the never ending war of life. However, The farther I drift away from my sensitivity, the more I realize that I can never come back.
Its been almost three years but I am still back on the streets of Chicago. I can notgo into a store without scouting out all the possible exits and mapping out the layout of the cameras. I can never shake the feeling that somebody is always watching me, waiting, for that opprutunity to strike. In short I can never relax, and simply enjoy life. With the realization of this "reality" I then often wonder; why do I go on, what do I have to gain, where will I go and more importantly what the fuck will I do?
The path I am on will most certainly not lead me to any peace. I`m still slated to deploy within 60 days and there will undoubtedly be alot of struggle when (and if) I return to follow a college career that I simply can not afford. There is only (as there has always been) a small glimmer of hope, which may or may not be real that one day I will be able to lay down, relax and be liberated from the burdens I`ve carried my entire life.
The question I have asked myself much as of late is whether or not I will be able to relax even if the opprotunity presents itself. I honestly don`t think I will.
So, why do I go on?
I honestly don`t know.
Sometimes its simply because I have no choice and I`d rather not give the many naysayers the satisfaction of knowing they were right. Unfortunately, it appears that less and less it is because I truly have heartfelt hope. The reason that pops into my mind is staggeringly simple: I do it out of loyalty to my very few friends and family, to the ones still around and ones who are unfortunately not.
Which brings me the crux of the problem: What motivation will I have when my family and friends are gone? I`ve never lived a normal life. Everyday is greeted with the trepidation that someone close to me will be gone. I still remember how far my friend Ricky fell when his mother died, and I still remember those days that Ray-ray, Tavonne, Doug and my grandfather died (only one from natural causes mind you). I still remember when I got that phone call saying my best friend was facing the rest of his life in prison or something so stupid.
The only recourse I have ever found to deal with this is to steel myself from the emotions that accompany it, but the more I do the more I realize that by doing so, I steal from myself the very thing that keeps me going. The small part of me that is still idealistic wants to think that things will inevitably work out, but reality tells quite a different story. Its only a matter of time before I come crashing down, unable to go on or I slip into an unfeeling meaningless world of booze, drugs and women like every other male member of my family. I can only hope that I can somehow strive through till the end, for I have no place else to turn. I`ll never have a wife or child and its doubtful that I`ll meet anyone as meaningful to me as my old friends.
In essence, I`m trapped waiting for it end, but my pride will not allow me to end it myself or let anyone else do it without a fight. So what am I to do? Its a rhetorical question, because I`m as sure that I don` t know that no one else could possibly tell me the answer. So why even bother to type this out and then put it where others can read? I dunno; Maybe it will allow me to see where I have been and help me find where I should go, or maybe I`ll just feel a little better knowing I got some of it off my chest. We`ll see I guess. As for now I guess I`ve rambled on enough and should get back to work
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