I've been about 2 paragraphs into a post for about 4 days now. I started off strong, I had the basic outline worked out, and had even formulated all the half-assed attempts at being clever worked out in my head. It's just that when it came time to sit at my laptop I just couldn't do it. I'd pull up the file and I'd just lose interest just as the program finished loading.
I was gonna talk about the going ons in the middle easter and how awesome it was that I had managed to find a Time, A copy of The Economist, and some sort of foreign affairs digest at the PX (score!) because they all had articles talking about the recent successes in the region. Every time I had a few seconds I'd think about finishing that post I started, but something more important like say, my 700th game of spider solitaire would always come along.
However, I think I found out what the problem was: Deep down inside I'm not much of an optimistic person, at least not in the sense that I can think the best of everything around me regardless of the circumstances. I think in the past I may have been a little too liberal with my optimism for the area, and my active participation in the affairs. There hasn't been anything major that happened to change anything, I still feel that we were ultimately right in doing what we've done. I still feel like we don good by the people here when I ride down the street and see all the waving kids, but I'm sure someone else could ride down the same street and be aghast at the same scene because of the children that could be there and aren't.
Anyway, nothing has really changed but it was been something negative that has inspired this particular post. As I was bsing on the Internet earlier for no particular reason I was reading an article about the Iraqi parliament having troubles with choosing a speaker, and how the whole affair degenerated into a shouting match between opposing sides. I'm not really stressing over all of that, because well fuck it, shit happens. I'm quite sure our constitution convention had its share of “friction” and if not theres always that got milk commercial with the Raymond Burr fanatic to remind us of our storied history.
The thing that got me was a quote in response to the incident from someone in our administration that I can't quite recall without referencing the article and since it's three AM and my boots have somehow found their way to the floor without my feet. I'll just have to paraphrase (please bare with me). All bullshit aside, someone said that the Iraqi's are setting the example for the middle east. I guess that's a good political response, but what gets me is the simplistic truth that lies beneath the obvious intentions of the statements: Iraq is the example for the Middle East good or bad.
It's true that what happens in Iraq will have reverberations throughout the rest of the region, but that's a very dangerous double edged sword. Any gains made in countries like Egypt, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Syria are likely to vanish quickly if things deteriorate in Iraq and unfortunately the regions' history isn't exactly in our favor. I guess the scariest revelation found along the line of thought I've been pursuing for a few minutes now is that there is little if anything we as Americans can do in the long run, and we'll undoubtedly receive a good dose of the fallout if any occurs.
It's been said that you can not give a man freedom, but that he has to take it for himself. That quote definitely rings true at this juncture. Yea, we can stay here and be a military presence, we can give the government billions of dollars in training and equipment, but in the end all of it will be naught if the country decides to follow the beaten track and do what seems endemic to the region; fight within itself. I guess there really isn't that much to this post, besides me sorting out my own thoughts, but I guess it'll have to do.
I guess I'll leave things off with the opening line from the two “lost paragraphs” mentioned earlier. “Hey, look at me, updating my thing more than once a month. I wouldn't get too excited though, this probably isn't gonna be a habit.”
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Berfday
Well, anyway it has actually been quite a few days since I wrote this. I've actually been pretty busy. Things are no where near as bad for us as they were at first but we've been running pretty strong nevertheless. I wish I would write more but there is nothing really to talk about. I guess I've hit that point where things are mundane and boring, as hard as that may be for people out there to understand. Anyway, heres my "birthday post" it was on Mar 9th.
The other day to very little fanfare my 22nd birthday came and went. As hard as it may be to imagine there were no parades, late television dedications and unfortunately classes were still held in high schools across the country. In all seriousness, I'm not really one for holidays or celebrations. I usually find myself pulling double shifts or taking over duties for someone else, so that they may spend precious time with their families and I rarely if ever take advantage of opportunities to go home for the holidays.
However, I tend to go into what can only be described as a deep introspective period around my birthdays. I can only assume that it has something to do with the fact that I never expected to be 22 years old and each successive year is akin to a sucker punch to the jaw. I not to make a big deal out of anything in general and considering my current location in the world, I'd hate to make things seem to be worse than they really are, but the fact remains that I haven't really had the “ideal” life.
It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the guidance counselor's office at my high school explaining how it was a waste of my time to participate in English class because I had maybe 1, 2 years tops before I ended up in a cell or worse. I'd love to chalk all that up to youthful naivety but then again she agreed with me.
I'm trying hard to turn this into a “My life has been so fucked up” post, and I've had to re-write these few sentences several times trying to find the right way to get on with it. It's not as easy as it should be but the point I'm trying to make is that there is something about my birthday that causes me to dwell on my past self and the things that have happened. It's certainly not the only time that this happens (as this website is a testament to), but it's certainly the most regular.
The ability to look within oneself and to analyze the past isn't so bad and many people would probably be better off with it, but in my case I tend to disassociate myself from people in general and tend to neglect important things like say, food and sleep. I almost made it through this year but alas here I am typing away when I should be sleeping. However, I still remain optimistic, as I'm not really hungry right now and I'll (hopefully) be able to sleep once I finish this.
It really is hard to appreciate how far I have come in the last 4-6 years. It's doubtful that somebody who knew me 5 years ago would even recognize me today. There has been of course physical changes; I've probably grown an inch or two and gained about 50 lbs (of muscle damn it), but by far the most remarkable change has been in the confidence I've gained in my self.
I really don't want to delve too deep into it, but my earlier years were characterized by deep rooted insecurities that manifested themselves in a variety of ways. Today, insecurity is the probably the last thing that comes to peoples mind when they meet me. In fact, I've probably grown too arrogant and over bearing in some regards, but it's leap of faith to state that I'm an entirely different person. In reality, I'd be lying if I said that I never doubted myself or that I didn't have moments when I question myself. The difference is that where I used to dread the coming day because I saw nothing but a protracted meaningless existence, I look forward to it because I see the opportunities of the future.
It really is a wonderful feeling and I hope it continues for many years to come. I guess this is an appropriate time to thank the people who have helped me get to this point in my life.... Thanks, it's been appreciated....
I'm not gonna make some sort of list because well a good majority of the people probably don't read this and even so they know who they are.
The other day to very little fanfare my 22nd birthday came and went. As hard as it may be to imagine there were no parades, late television dedications and unfortunately classes were still held in high schools across the country. In all seriousness, I'm not really one for holidays or celebrations. I usually find myself pulling double shifts or taking over duties for someone else, so that they may spend precious time with their families and I rarely if ever take advantage of opportunities to go home for the holidays.
However, I tend to go into what can only be described as a deep introspective period around my birthdays. I can only assume that it has something to do with the fact that I never expected to be 22 years old and each successive year is akin to a sucker punch to the jaw. I not to make a big deal out of anything in general and considering my current location in the world, I'd hate to make things seem to be worse than they really are, but the fact remains that I haven't really had the “ideal” life.
It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the guidance counselor's office at my high school explaining how it was a waste of my time to participate in English class because I had maybe 1, 2 years tops before I ended up in a cell or worse. I'd love to chalk all that up to youthful naivety but then again she agreed with me.
I'm trying hard to turn this into a “My life has been so fucked up” post, and I've had to re-write these few sentences several times trying to find the right way to get on with it. It's not as easy as it should be but the point I'm trying to make is that there is something about my birthday that causes me to dwell on my past self and the things that have happened. It's certainly not the only time that this happens (as this website is a testament to), but it's certainly the most regular.
The ability to look within oneself and to analyze the past isn't so bad and many people would probably be better off with it, but in my case I tend to disassociate myself from people in general and tend to neglect important things like say, food and sleep. I almost made it through this year but alas here I am typing away when I should be sleeping. However, I still remain optimistic, as I'm not really hungry right now and I'll (hopefully) be able to sleep once I finish this.
It really is hard to appreciate how far I have come in the last 4-6 years. It's doubtful that somebody who knew me 5 years ago would even recognize me today. There has been of course physical changes; I've probably grown an inch or two and gained about 50 lbs (of muscle damn it), but by far the most remarkable change has been in the confidence I've gained in my self.
I really don't want to delve too deep into it, but my earlier years were characterized by deep rooted insecurities that manifested themselves in a variety of ways. Today, insecurity is the probably the last thing that comes to peoples mind when they meet me. In fact, I've probably grown too arrogant and over bearing in some regards, but it's leap of faith to state that I'm an entirely different person. In reality, I'd be lying if I said that I never doubted myself or that I didn't have moments when I question myself. The difference is that where I used to dread the coming day because I saw nothing but a protracted meaningless existence, I look forward to it because I see the opportunities of the future.
It really is a wonderful feeling and I hope it continues for many years to come. I guess this is an appropriate time to thank the people who have helped me get to this point in my life.... Thanks, it's been appreciated....
I'm not gonna make some sort of list because well a good majority of the people probably don't read this and even so they know who they are.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Success...?
Success...?
Well, it's been a while since I've posted, which I'll explain later, but current events compels me to say a little bit. A few days ago Iraqis' turned out in droves to cast their votes for a provisional Iraqi council; one of the first steps necessary for self rule. If any thing else it quells any doubts about whether or not democracy is possible in a tribal, impoverished, Islamic Nation.
As much as I'd like to take some sort of credit for what happened, the credit is due to the people of Iraq. It wasn't my family who were threatened if I voted, nor was it my head on the platter so to speak. They stepped up to the plate, and it would be an understatement to say that I am impressed (not that I'm really anyone worth impressing, but still.) They far exceeded what we as Americans would expect out of ourselves and they did it facing a level of risk that few of us will ever know.
I can't help but think that I take too much for granted when I see the pictures of people standing in line to cast their vote with the destruction of a recent attack in the background. I get frustrated enough to leave if there's more than a 15 minute wait at Harold's Chicken Shack.
However, things are far from over. We still don't know to what extent the Sunni's sat things out, and what effects that will have on things to come. Overall, the situation is still fragile enough that things could go in any undesirable direction.. It'll be a long war and this was just one battle in many more to come. The country still has to draft a constitution and get it ratified with the support of all three of the major factions. If not, we'll be right here again next year waiting on the new council to be voted in and there's no telling how long the zeal for democracy in Iraq will last for both Americans and Iraqis if things don't go well in the following months.
All this just goes to show what has been done, and what is possible in the future. I'm sure a few of the terrorists are re-evaluating their position in things, when their threats and actions proved vastly ineffectual in regards to deterring an election. That's not to say that they should be counted out. I'm sure we'll all see what happens in the near future.
I've been kept pretty busy for the last few weeks. We got re-assigned to another command, the fourth time in four months. At least this time it looks like we'll be here for a while. I'd like to say what we're doing, but whatever penalties there were for op-sec violations before have increased exponentially. It's nothing really too special, but it's just the way things are. The thing is we never go outside the wire to interact with the people, which is a let down but we do have a little bit more satisfaction in regards to our overall role in the grand scheme of things.
In our down time I've pretty much given up on readings for the time being. I still read here and there but I've been doing a lot of other things. I arranged it so I could take a few correspondence courses for my degree while I'm here so I don't feel so bad about putting off full time school for over another year. So, between that and preparing to actually go to school full time my time is pretty much taken up.
It seems like all I can really think about now is the day I'm out of the Army and doing my own thing. In the past it's been pretty easy to focus on the job at hand and block out the outside shit till the time comes, but it's just been getting harder and harder everyday. Trying to figure out where exactly I'll live, how much time off I'll take, If and where I'll work and plain ole figuring out how to get from point A to point B is pretty consuming.
The Army is rough in its own respects but then again it's so structured and everything is provided. You don't have to worry about meals, where you live or many other of the mundane things that accompany “civilian life”. It's been over 4 years since I've been on my own and to say things have changed is an understatement, so I can't help but wonder how the adjustment will go.
I still remember the bus ride I had from Chicago to Ft Knox and the thoughts going through my head at the time.
“well this is it, the first step in the rest of my life”
It's hard to explain the feelings that accompanied leaving the familiar and what you know to completely immersing myself in the foreign and the unknown, with the twist being that I couldn't just turn around because there was nothing to turn around to.
There was only 3 other people on that bus and I doubt it would have mattered if there were 300. It was like the only thing around me were the tangible manifestations of my hopes, fears, ambitions, doubts and anxieties. At times it felt like there was no way I could ever step off that bus, but then I knew that I had to leave whenever that bus stopped and the door opened. Then at other times it felt like getting off that bus was the one thing I had been waiting on my entire life.
Today, I feel the same way, which was just how I felt yesterday and the day before that. In essence, this whole deployment has become one long, dangerous bus ride. I sit here typing away at the dawn of another chapter in my life and I don't know if I can adjust to the civilian life, or go to college full time with other college people as some people around here call it. There is no telling if I'll do as well in school as I did in the military and of course there is the possibility that it's just “not me”.
Yet, I know this is what I need to do, I can't help but feel as if I've been waiting to do this forever and that everything I have done up to this point has lead me to this stage of my life. It doesn't matter that all of this revolves around my going to school and 4 years ago I joined the military because I didn't want to have anything to do with school and the feeling was mutual. All of this is inevitable, it's that simple.
Of course there is the very real possibility that I never make it to next semester, or to next week. My unit is still taking casualties like it's never going out of style, and I could catch one tomorrow. But that's another discussion for another time and that I rarely if ever think about, because the reality is I could go through four tours in the worst shit imaginable and get taken out by a freak plumbing accident at some truck stop in Indiana on my way home.
I really, don't remember where I was going when I started all this, and I don't really know what else to say, so I guess you could say I'm just waiting to reach my stop and until then I'll try and keep things updated a little more.
Well, it's been a while since I've posted, which I'll explain later, but current events compels me to say a little bit. A few days ago Iraqis' turned out in droves to cast their votes for a provisional Iraqi council; one of the first steps necessary for self rule. If any thing else it quells any doubts about whether or not democracy is possible in a tribal, impoverished, Islamic Nation.
As much as I'd like to take some sort of credit for what happened, the credit is due to the people of Iraq. It wasn't my family who were threatened if I voted, nor was it my head on the platter so to speak. They stepped up to the plate, and it would be an understatement to say that I am impressed (not that I'm really anyone worth impressing, but still.) They far exceeded what we as Americans would expect out of ourselves and they did it facing a level of risk that few of us will ever know.
I can't help but think that I take too much for granted when I see the pictures of people standing in line to cast their vote with the destruction of a recent attack in the background. I get frustrated enough to leave if there's more than a 15 minute wait at Harold's Chicken Shack.
However, things are far from over. We still don't know to what extent the Sunni's sat things out, and what effects that will have on things to come. Overall, the situation is still fragile enough that things could go in any undesirable direction.. It'll be a long war and this was just one battle in many more to come. The country still has to draft a constitution and get it ratified with the support of all three of the major factions. If not, we'll be right here again next year waiting on the new council to be voted in and there's no telling how long the zeal for democracy in Iraq will last for both Americans and Iraqis if things don't go well in the following months.
All this just goes to show what has been done, and what is possible in the future. I'm sure a few of the terrorists are re-evaluating their position in things, when their threats and actions proved vastly ineffectual in regards to deterring an election. That's not to say that they should be counted out. I'm sure we'll all see what happens in the near future.
I've been kept pretty busy for the last few weeks. We got re-assigned to another command, the fourth time in four months. At least this time it looks like we'll be here for a while. I'd like to say what we're doing, but whatever penalties there were for op-sec violations before have increased exponentially. It's nothing really too special, but it's just the way things are. The thing is we never go outside the wire to interact with the people, which is a let down but we do have a little bit more satisfaction in regards to our overall role in the grand scheme of things.
In our down time I've pretty much given up on readings for the time being. I still read here and there but I've been doing a lot of other things. I arranged it so I could take a few correspondence courses for my degree while I'm here so I don't feel so bad about putting off full time school for over another year. So, between that and preparing to actually go to school full time my time is pretty much taken up.
It seems like all I can really think about now is the day I'm out of the Army and doing my own thing. In the past it's been pretty easy to focus on the job at hand and block out the outside shit till the time comes, but it's just been getting harder and harder everyday. Trying to figure out where exactly I'll live, how much time off I'll take, If and where I'll work and plain ole figuring out how to get from point A to point B is pretty consuming.
The Army is rough in its own respects but then again it's so structured and everything is provided. You don't have to worry about meals, where you live or many other of the mundane things that accompany “civilian life”. It's been over 4 years since I've been on my own and to say things have changed is an understatement, so I can't help but wonder how the adjustment will go.
I still remember the bus ride I had from Chicago to Ft Knox and the thoughts going through my head at the time.
“well this is it, the first step in the rest of my life”
It's hard to explain the feelings that accompanied leaving the familiar and what you know to completely immersing myself in the foreign and the unknown, with the twist being that I couldn't just turn around because there was nothing to turn around to.
There was only 3 other people on that bus and I doubt it would have mattered if there were 300. It was like the only thing around me were the tangible manifestations of my hopes, fears, ambitions, doubts and anxieties. At times it felt like there was no way I could ever step off that bus, but then I knew that I had to leave whenever that bus stopped and the door opened. Then at other times it felt like getting off that bus was the one thing I had been waiting on my entire life.
Today, I feel the same way, which was just how I felt yesterday and the day before that. In essence, this whole deployment has become one long, dangerous bus ride. I sit here typing away at the dawn of another chapter in my life and I don't know if I can adjust to the civilian life, or go to college full time with other college people as some people around here call it. There is no telling if I'll do as well in school as I did in the military and of course there is the possibility that it's just “not me”.
Yet, I know this is what I need to do, I can't help but feel as if I've been waiting to do this forever and that everything I have done up to this point has lead me to this stage of my life. It doesn't matter that all of this revolves around my going to school and 4 years ago I joined the military because I didn't want to have anything to do with school and the feeling was mutual. All of this is inevitable, it's that simple.
Of course there is the very real possibility that I never make it to next semester, or to next week. My unit is still taking casualties like it's never going out of style, and I could catch one tomorrow. But that's another discussion for another time and that I rarely if ever think about, because the reality is I could go through four tours in the worst shit imaginable and get taken out by a freak plumbing accident at some truck stop in Indiana on my way home.
I really, don't remember where I was going when I started all this, and I don't really know what else to say, so I guess you could say I'm just waiting to reach my stop and until then I'll try and keep things updated a little more.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Holiday bombing
The day before yesterday there was a detonation at the dining facility on Forward Operating Base Marez. Initial eye witness reports stated that a mortar round impacted at the top of the tent but later reports indicate that it may have been some sort of bomb imp laced inside the facility. The last I heard, 22 people died and 51 were injured. My access to information is still limited so the details could be way off. Even still this is most successful terrorist attack in recent memory and it was against the unit I am in.
At the time of the attack my entire plt was in the dfac across the street at FOB diamondback, we had just been relieved of QRF and had chosen to eat across the street instead of back on Marez were we eat the majority of our meals. Unfortunately, the majority of the troop was in the area, and we took 3 casualties. 2 were medically evacuated out of the area and 1 was KOA.
This is the first time many people in the troop have had to deal with the violent death of somebody they knew and were close with. It's obvious that some people are taking things harder than others. Some are just better at hiding what they feel than others. [Un]Fortunately, this isn't the first time I've dealt with the death of those close to me and it's doubtful it'll be the last, so while I certainly understand and can relate to the feelings being experienced by a lot of the people around me, I find myself unable to have them myself.
I guess I'm just well past the point where death and suffering surprises or effects me in the least. I can't really tell if this is a good or bad thing, but those are thoughts for another day. Regardless of how I personally feel or what I think about what happened, the reality is that seventy-three families are probably have a pretty shitty Christmas. There's really nothing anyone can say to make things better so I won't even try. I just hope they can find a way to continue living a full life.
At the time of the attack my entire plt was in the dfac across the street at FOB diamondback, we had just been relieved of QRF and had chosen to eat across the street instead of back on Marez were we eat the majority of our meals. Unfortunately, the majority of the troop was in the area, and we took 3 casualties. 2 were medically evacuated out of the area and 1 was KOA.
This is the first time many people in the troop have had to deal with the violent death of somebody they knew and were close with. It's obvious that some people are taking things harder than others. Some are just better at hiding what they feel than others. [Un]Fortunately, this isn't the first time I've dealt with the death of those close to me and it's doubtful it'll be the last, so while I certainly understand and can relate to the feelings being experienced by a lot of the people around me, I find myself unable to have them myself.
I guess I'm just well past the point where death and suffering surprises or effects me in the least. I can't really tell if this is a good or bad thing, but those are thoughts for another day. Regardless of how I personally feel or what I think about what happened, the reality is that seventy-three families are probably have a pretty shitty Christmas. There's really nothing anyone can say to make things better so I won't even try. I just hope they can find a way to continue living a full life.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Holiday cheer
I apologize for not posting anything sooner. We've been working really long days and time to write or do anything else has grown short. It doesn't help that things have become pretty dreary out here. The weather has been real shitty, which up until recently meant a decrease in enemy activity (more about that later), but besides all that everyone has been starting to feel the monotomy of things; what was once the new and exciting is now the old and boring whereas every day was something new, they now seem like something fit for the remake of Groundhog Day.
I don't think I've made it clear but we've been back in Mosul for going on a month now and by all accounts we're back with the rest of the brigade for good. We've been the Operational reserve for the theater, which was why we went to baghdad, fallujah and ultimately Mosul.
I still don't have very much access to the news. Stars and Stripes doesn't seem to exist up here and thats about the only dedicated source of news out here. You can check things on the internet but when you have to wait an hour for a half hours' use it's hard to keep fully abreast of things, especially when you have to worry about paying your bills and everything else in between online. I guess there is a drawback to using the computer all the time.
Anyway, I guess Mosul has turned into the hot spot in Iraq. I don't really doubt that, it's just I haven't really seen it. I guess it's the law of averages but we had a lot more contact when we were here the last time. In fact, we haven't had any except for the last few days and a short spurt at the end of last month.
The thing we've encountered a lot in the last few days is executions of coalition symphatizes and Iraqi national guardsmen. These guys have no shame, they'l go out on the major road dump a group of dudes they've kidnapped into the middle of the road and spray em. One time we found a group of guys and several who had been shot in the head were living up to about 30 minutes after we found them, so they couldn't have been sitting there too long. The thing is, that most of the people go around like nothing happened. I mean it's not really too much different from home where no one has seen or heard shit, but you can still tell that something happened if you can't figure out who did it.
Other than that there hasn't really been anything happening to us, which I guess can be attributed to the infantry's attitude towards us, whereas we have a HUGE area outside of mosul and the infantry has small ones inside of it. Our plt will pull 13 hour patrols on the outskirts while the infantry (on average) doesn't even devote a fraction of that time to the interior. So the only real chance we have of receiving any kind of contact is when we drive through the city to wherever it is we are going. They've even started making us go around the city entirely which is a monumental pain in the ass when you have to drive 45 minutes for what should be a 10 minute drive.
Between the near non stop missions, the massive area we have to cover in porportion, the amount of dead bodies turning up and the general attitude that the infantry has towards the scouts, the tension is getting pretty thick all around. For instance, because they forgot we were apart of their battalion a lot of our mail got lost in transit. I'm just now getting stuff from halloween. They also have this general aura of superiority which gives off this impression that somehow we are incapable of working in the same areas or doing the same things they do, despite the fact that we were fighting in those same areas, taking casulties and doing everything they were weeks before they even hit the sand. Needless to say its pretty annoying, especially considering that things didn't blow up in Mosul until after we left.
Anyway, I have no intention of turning this into a bitch fest and I fear I've said too much already. In other news, it is apparently almost christmas. I couldn't really tell, but my roommate assures me that there are decorations everywhere. I guess I haven't really taken the time to notice. I haven't spent a christmas with friends or family in 3 years now. So I'm kinda used to it and all I really want is a day off. That would be sweet. So, on that note I hope all of you have a happy holidays.
This last part is pretty much for me, so I can keep a log of what I've read. This isn't the entire time I've been here just since the last update. I don't expect anyone to be interested but it's another thing to stem off boredom for me.
War and peace - Tolstoy
Fear and trembling- Soren Kirkagaard
The highwayman- R.a Salvatore
Uncle tom's cabin - Harriet beecher stowe ( I actually have to finish this, the accents were killing me)
Critical essay on wahabbism (some dude)
Now reading The pope and the heretic (some dude again)
I don't think I've made it clear but we've been back in Mosul for going on a month now and by all accounts we're back with the rest of the brigade for good. We've been the Operational reserve for the theater, which was why we went to baghdad, fallujah and ultimately Mosul.
I still don't have very much access to the news. Stars and Stripes doesn't seem to exist up here and thats about the only dedicated source of news out here. You can check things on the internet but when you have to wait an hour for a half hours' use it's hard to keep fully abreast of things, especially when you have to worry about paying your bills and everything else in between online. I guess there is a drawback to using the computer all the time.
Anyway, I guess Mosul has turned into the hot spot in Iraq. I don't really doubt that, it's just I haven't really seen it. I guess it's the law of averages but we had a lot more contact when we were here the last time. In fact, we haven't had any except for the last few days and a short spurt at the end of last month.
The thing we've encountered a lot in the last few days is executions of coalition symphatizes and Iraqi national guardsmen. These guys have no shame, they'l go out on the major road dump a group of dudes they've kidnapped into the middle of the road and spray em. One time we found a group of guys and several who had been shot in the head were living up to about 30 minutes after we found them, so they couldn't have been sitting there too long. The thing is, that most of the people go around like nothing happened. I mean it's not really too much different from home where no one has seen or heard shit, but you can still tell that something happened if you can't figure out who did it.
Other than that there hasn't really been anything happening to us, which I guess can be attributed to the infantry's attitude towards us, whereas we have a HUGE area outside of mosul and the infantry has small ones inside of it. Our plt will pull 13 hour patrols on the outskirts while the infantry (on average) doesn't even devote a fraction of that time to the interior. So the only real chance we have of receiving any kind of contact is when we drive through the city to wherever it is we are going. They've even started making us go around the city entirely which is a monumental pain in the ass when you have to drive 45 minutes for what should be a 10 minute drive.
Between the near non stop missions, the massive area we have to cover in porportion, the amount of dead bodies turning up and the general attitude that the infantry has towards the scouts, the tension is getting pretty thick all around. For instance, because they forgot we were apart of their battalion a lot of our mail got lost in transit. I'm just now getting stuff from halloween. They also have this general aura of superiority which gives off this impression that somehow we are incapable of working in the same areas or doing the same things they do, despite the fact that we were fighting in those same areas, taking casulties and doing everything they were weeks before they even hit the sand. Needless to say its pretty annoying, especially considering that things didn't blow up in Mosul until after we left.
Anyway, I have no intention of turning this into a bitch fest and I fear I've said too much already. In other news, it is apparently almost christmas. I couldn't really tell, but my roommate assures me that there are decorations everywhere. I guess I haven't really taken the time to notice. I haven't spent a christmas with friends or family in 3 years now. So I'm kinda used to it and all I really want is a day off. That would be sweet. So, on that note I hope all of you have a happy holidays.
This last part is pretty much for me, so I can keep a log of what I've read. This isn't the entire time I've been here just since the last update. I don't expect anyone to be interested but it's another thing to stem off boredom for me.
War and peace - Tolstoy
Fear and trembling- Soren Kirkagaard
The highwayman- R.a Salvatore
Uncle tom's cabin - Harriet beecher stowe ( I actually have to finish this, the accents were killing me)
Critical essay on wahabbism (some dude)
Now reading The pope and the heretic (some dude again)
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I vote for bush...
...Well, not me personally. Today's political system has me too disillusioned to believe that either candidate would have held my best interests in mind. Those were the words of a lieutenant in the Iraqi Regular Army, as said to a NPC reporter just before we went on mission. It's probably hard to appreciate by people who aren't here, but having the press and the IRA with you on a mission is just asking for trouble.
The reporters themselves are all right, but you can almost feel the trepidation on the part of the soldiers when they come around. This is due mainly to the fact that anything you say or do could possibly be misinterpreted or represented in a manner that could have incalculable ramifications. This feeling is not due to any fear that my actions will not bear the scrutiny of some third party, but there's so many people willing and wishing to jump on anything that could be portrayed in a bad light on the US military and it's leadership.
As an example, I usually frequent an on line forum, that regularly discusses politics among other things. Whenever the subject turns to the evilness of the US and what have you, this one particular video always seems to turn up in the discussion. I really don't have the ability to find the video on line right now so I'll try and describe it: The video is of a bunch of marines involved in the initial push into Iraq. The video starts of by showing an Arabic male “taking a knee” seemingly wounded, the video then cuts to a bunch of marines shooting their rifles and than to the man being shot. The action portion of the clip lasts no more than 10 seconds, but it then cuts to an interview with one of the marines as he describes his elation about killing the man, and how he wants to do it again. This video, along with many other things are held up as examples on how American conducts itself in warfare, and how bad it is etc etc.
I can easily see how this clip can be used to justify whatever ill feelings you have towards the soldiers, the US itself or just it's leadership, but my main issue with the video is that A) it doesn't even attempt to describe the whole situation and the viewer has no way of knowing if all the segments are in sequential order, or what may have preceded the events in the video and B) The guy obviously had an AK that he conveniently dropped right before the video cuts in.
I'm quite familiar with the Geneva conventions and its stipulations that require medical assistance to all injured combatants, but I think in this particular instance people are taking things a little too far. I know I'm not gonna personally rush to an enemy soldier to give him aid simply because my initial reaction to contact failed to kill him outright, I'd just finish the job. I may be wrong from a “legal” standpoint in the matter, but I'll just have to concede my stubbornness in this situation and wait to learn otherwise, the hard way.
Anyway, I'm beginning to digress. The point is: the press sucks. Now, the Iraqi military...that's just something in and of itself. All the desertions, betrayals, and ineptitude aside, a lot of em are pretty dedicated. For whatever reason, they come into work and risk their lives everyday for a country that probably didn't give two fucks about them 3 years ago.
I'd like to emphasis the amount of risk that these guys take. For a fraction of what we as American soldiers make, with hardly anyof the benefits, these guys reguarly expose themselves and their family to a level of danger that we as Americans would never expose our soldiers to. A lot of em have to go around with a mask on, for fear that people will discover who they are and then attempt to harm them or their families outside of the military environment. Furthermore, these guys routinely go out on mission with less training, less protective equipment, less fire-power and ammunition, all while being consistently targetted by AIF forces. In the three days preceeding this particuar mission these guys lost somewhere around 43 people, from a company sized element.
Needless to say, if we lost 43 guys from a single company in a three day period you'd have a lot of people back home and in the service decrying the senseless massacre of our soldiers in a senseless war and public opinion would soon start pressuring the government to extractiate itself from this vietnam like quagmire it has gotten itself into.
Of course I'm being sarcastic, it's just a little perturbing to me that some members of our military find it sufficient cause to refuse a mission on the grounds that their “equipment isn't up to par” and that there mission “isn't worth the risk” when a lot of these Iraqi guys are facing more danger than us and are fighting from a Chevy mini van, while our soldiers can't find the courage to conduct a simple convoy while enjoying the benefits of the most technological fighting force man kind has ever sen.
All this isn't to say that the Iraqi guys are the best ever (heh no). There are many issues that make working with them a little “nerve racking”. The first and most significant thing is that most of em don't speak english. Having never personally been in an envrionment where the majority of the people didn't speak english, I tend to take for granted the advantages of being able to communicate with somebody without using simplified and inadequate hand gestures. This becomes increasingly frustrating when it becomes obvious that most of these guys (that is the ones who didn't serve under Saddam) have had a limited amount of training, and they are continuously being pushed through the pipeline in anticpation of a transfer of responsibility from the US to Iraqi forces. A lot of em make mistakes that one of our privates wouldn't make, and it's your job to somehow impart to this guy the error of his ways and it took you about 15 minutes of frustration just to learn their names.
Another issue is that the rivialries in this area of the world runs deep and a lot of times this has a significant impact on the way these guys react to you, the other iraqi soldiers and the general populas. For the most part I've noticed distrinct differences between two groups of soldiers; The kurds and the non kurds. The non kurds compose the majority of the citizens in the country and as thus it's essential for them to become pro-active in the defense of their country. The problem is, that these are also the most likely to desert, be targetted by AIF forces and have a tendency to not like Americans. Of course, that isn't indictive of every single soldier, its just the impression I've gotten.
As for the Kurds, they seem to be the most reliable guys out here. They come into work with a smile on their face and exhibit an exceptional zeal to do the job, learn all they can and become the best they can be. The problem is, a lot of these guys hate Iraqi's and want nothing more than an independent Kurdistand. I guess that isn't really my concern, and I should just be happy that if these guys get stood up I might get to go home a little early (not likely). I just can't shake the feeling that one way or another this country is slowly marching its way into a civil war and we're making the time, but that's a complex discussion for another day.
Something indicitive of most units of ING\IRA I've seen is that they just don't seem to give a fuck and aren't constrained by a lot of the rules we are. While we worry about the media, the ICC and public opinion back home, these guys operate with a measure of impunity that probaly shouldn't given to a 19 year old kid with a chip on his soldier and an AK 47. So in a situation where americans may tie their own hands to keep up public relations these guys are opening up some throats. It's not that I'm jealous it's just a little disheartening when 40 IRA guys decide it's a cool thing to unload all their AK's into a civilian truck. Especially when some guy you wouldn't know from a hole in the ground is shoving a microphone in your face asking “So...whats going on? All the while you're just hoping these guys have the state of mind to check fire in your direction... which of course they don't.
For fairness' sake it should be said that we probaly would have fired a warning shot at this truck, but we most likely would have refrained from unleashing divine fury on the guy. So yea, IRA\ING + press= bad mojo.
_____
Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm having a hard time feeling enthusiastic about it simply because we're gonna be pulling night missions I don't really care for, and the fact that the weather is ridiculously shitty. I prepared myself for the sand, flies, heat, and all the other bad things associated with the desert, but not freezing horizontal range, sub-freezing temperatures and consistent rain that turns the ground into something reminiscent of diarheea.
I wish I could come up with some inspiring words that will console myself , along with my family and friends- something that you all could forward to your e-mail address book and make all of them feel warm and fuzzy, not to mention patriotric at the humilitary and stoism of today's rank and file.
But yea..that ain't happening.
I' ve had some pretty bad holiday seasons in the past, but this one is easily making a run for the title of most shittiest. On the bright side I'm making 225 bucks in hazard duty\imminent fire pay. YES!!!
All bullshit aside, I'm not really into complaining too much I've made my choices in life and can hardly decry the outcome of those decisions. I just hope that most of you are having a good holiday and that you make the most of it. That's about all I got for now. Happy holidays.
-me
The reporters themselves are all right, but you can almost feel the trepidation on the part of the soldiers when they come around. This is due mainly to the fact that anything you say or do could possibly be misinterpreted or represented in a manner that could have incalculable ramifications. This feeling is not due to any fear that my actions will not bear the scrutiny of some third party, but there's so many people willing and wishing to jump on anything that could be portrayed in a bad light on the US military and it's leadership.
As an example, I usually frequent an on line forum, that regularly discusses politics among other things. Whenever the subject turns to the evilness of the US and what have you, this one particular video always seems to turn up in the discussion. I really don't have the ability to find the video on line right now so I'll try and describe it: The video is of a bunch of marines involved in the initial push into Iraq. The video starts of by showing an Arabic male “taking a knee” seemingly wounded, the video then cuts to a bunch of marines shooting their rifles and than to the man being shot. The action portion of the clip lasts no more than 10 seconds, but it then cuts to an interview with one of the marines as he describes his elation about killing the man, and how he wants to do it again. This video, along with many other things are held up as examples on how American conducts itself in warfare, and how bad it is etc etc.
I can easily see how this clip can be used to justify whatever ill feelings you have towards the soldiers, the US itself or just it's leadership, but my main issue with the video is that A) it doesn't even attempt to describe the whole situation and the viewer has no way of knowing if all the segments are in sequential order, or what may have preceded the events in the video and B) The guy obviously had an AK that he conveniently dropped right before the video cuts in.
I'm quite familiar with the Geneva conventions and its stipulations that require medical assistance to all injured combatants, but I think in this particular instance people are taking things a little too far. I know I'm not gonna personally rush to an enemy soldier to give him aid simply because my initial reaction to contact failed to kill him outright, I'd just finish the job. I may be wrong from a “legal” standpoint in the matter, but I'll just have to concede my stubbornness in this situation and wait to learn otherwise, the hard way.
Anyway, I'm beginning to digress. The point is: the press sucks. Now, the Iraqi military...that's just something in and of itself. All the desertions, betrayals, and ineptitude aside, a lot of em are pretty dedicated. For whatever reason, they come into work and risk their lives everyday for a country that probably didn't give two fucks about them 3 years ago.
I'd like to emphasis the amount of risk that these guys take. For a fraction of what we as American soldiers make, with hardly anyof the benefits, these guys reguarly expose themselves and their family to a level of danger that we as Americans would never expose our soldiers to. A lot of em have to go around with a mask on, for fear that people will discover who they are and then attempt to harm them or their families outside of the military environment. Furthermore, these guys routinely go out on mission with less training, less protective equipment, less fire-power and ammunition, all while being consistently targetted by AIF forces. In the three days preceeding this particuar mission these guys lost somewhere around 43 people, from a company sized element.
Needless to say, if we lost 43 guys from a single company in a three day period you'd have a lot of people back home and in the service decrying the senseless massacre of our soldiers in a senseless war and public opinion would soon start pressuring the government to extractiate itself from this vietnam like quagmire it has gotten itself into.
Of course I'm being sarcastic, it's just a little perturbing to me that some members of our military find it sufficient cause to refuse a mission on the grounds that their “equipment isn't up to par” and that there mission “isn't worth the risk” when a lot of these Iraqi guys are facing more danger than us and are fighting from a Chevy mini van, while our soldiers can't find the courage to conduct a simple convoy while enjoying the benefits of the most technological fighting force man kind has ever sen.
All this isn't to say that the Iraqi guys are the best ever (heh no). There are many issues that make working with them a little “nerve racking”. The first and most significant thing is that most of em don't speak english. Having never personally been in an envrionment where the majority of the people didn't speak english, I tend to take for granted the advantages of being able to communicate with somebody without using simplified and inadequate hand gestures. This becomes increasingly frustrating when it becomes obvious that most of these guys (that is the ones who didn't serve under Saddam) have had a limited amount of training, and they are continuously being pushed through the pipeline in anticpation of a transfer of responsibility from the US to Iraqi forces. A lot of em make mistakes that one of our privates wouldn't make, and it's your job to somehow impart to this guy the error of his ways and it took you about 15 minutes of frustration just to learn their names.
Another issue is that the rivialries in this area of the world runs deep and a lot of times this has a significant impact on the way these guys react to you, the other iraqi soldiers and the general populas. For the most part I've noticed distrinct differences between two groups of soldiers; The kurds and the non kurds. The non kurds compose the majority of the citizens in the country and as thus it's essential for them to become pro-active in the defense of their country. The problem is, that these are also the most likely to desert, be targetted by AIF forces and have a tendency to not like Americans. Of course, that isn't indictive of every single soldier, its just the impression I've gotten.
As for the Kurds, they seem to be the most reliable guys out here. They come into work with a smile on their face and exhibit an exceptional zeal to do the job, learn all they can and become the best they can be. The problem is, a lot of these guys hate Iraqi's and want nothing more than an independent Kurdistand. I guess that isn't really my concern, and I should just be happy that if these guys get stood up I might get to go home a little early (not likely). I just can't shake the feeling that one way or another this country is slowly marching its way into a civil war and we're making the time, but that's a complex discussion for another day.
Something indicitive of most units of ING\IRA I've seen is that they just don't seem to give a fuck and aren't constrained by a lot of the rules we are. While we worry about the media, the ICC and public opinion back home, these guys operate with a measure of impunity that probaly shouldn't given to a 19 year old kid with a chip on his soldier and an AK 47. So in a situation where americans may tie their own hands to keep up public relations these guys are opening up some throats. It's not that I'm jealous it's just a little disheartening when 40 IRA guys decide it's a cool thing to unload all their AK's into a civilian truck. Especially when some guy you wouldn't know from a hole in the ground is shoving a microphone in your face asking “So...whats going on? All the while you're just hoping these guys have the state of mind to check fire in your direction... which of course they don't.
For fairness' sake it should be said that we probaly would have fired a warning shot at this truck, but we most likely would have refrained from unleashing divine fury on the guy. So yea, IRA\ING + press= bad mojo.
_____
Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I'm having a hard time feeling enthusiastic about it simply because we're gonna be pulling night missions I don't really care for, and the fact that the weather is ridiculously shitty. I prepared myself for the sand, flies, heat, and all the other bad things associated with the desert, but not freezing horizontal range, sub-freezing temperatures and consistent rain that turns the ground into something reminiscent of diarheea.
I wish I could come up with some inspiring words that will console myself , along with my family and friends- something that you all could forward to your e-mail address book and make all of them feel warm and fuzzy, not to mention patriotric at the humilitary and stoism of today's rank and file.
But yea..that ain't happening.
I' ve had some pretty bad holiday seasons in the past, but this one is easily making a run for the title of most shittiest. On the bright side I'm making 225 bucks in hazard duty\imminent fire pay. YES!!!
All bullshit aside, I'm not really into complaining too much I've made my choices in life and can hardly decry the outcome of those decisions. I just hope that most of you are having a good holiday and that you make the most of it. That's about all I got for now. Happy holidays.
-me
Monday, November 15, 2004
Title
I should really have a lot to talk about, but I haven't really had the urge, desire or energy to write at all. The last two weeks we've been attached to the marines during the assault of Fallujah.
The reason I've been so drained is because we've just been tasked and detailed out like a red headed step child. For those of you who are familiar with the inter-service rivalry in the military imagine this: We're scouts, attached to the infantry, who is in turn attached to the cavalry, who is then attached to the marines. If you were a civilian I guess the equivalent of that would be being assigned to the one guy in the office who hates your guts, for a special project, who as it turns out is under a guy who can't stand him, and who happens to be the guy that slept with his bosses wife at last year's Christmas party.
So yea, we've had it bad.
Anyway, Fallujah was not at all as I expected. I assumed it would be nothing like the rest of the cities we've been in. It being the “last terrorist stronghold in Iraq” I thought it would be filled with people who hated our guts and we'd find trouble every place we went. However, around the city it was just like the other areas in Iraq: most of the people seemed to like us with a few people who don't for whatever reason. However, we did receive more attacks than the rest of our time in country combined there.
In my short time in Iraq I've been through several engagements and contacts, and by all accounts I've felt what it means to be in “war” (whatever that means) but it wasn't until recently that I really felt the pain and the true price of war. It wasn't anything like one of my friends dying or anything like that (god knows I know what that feels like).
On one of our missions we were sitting somewhere in the countryside and as usual there was a group of kids asking for money, candy, food etc. All things considered, things were pretty normal but there was this little girl, and I just don't know how to describe it, but this girl seemed like one of the sweetest, nicest girls I've ever seen in my life. She couldn't have been more than 7 years old and there was nothing really remarkable about her, it was just something about the way she was that struck me as exceptional.
I guess it had something to do with the fact that when you looked at her you didn't know that only a couple miles away army howitzers, planes and helicopters were bombing the shit out of her country and home. Well, a few days later we ended up putting up a major traffic control point right in front of this girl's house. I've never felt such a feeling of dread as I did every time we took any sort of fire, and I found myself searching for this girl every time we rolled out of the check point.
Then during another mission we had to search this house that was in the middle of a makeshift cemetary (On something completely unrelated, it was surreal to see people buried in shallow ditches with nothing more than a couple stacked cinder blocks to mark the grave.) Apparently this family had fled their homes in Fallujah and had took up residence in this house, that for people who have never lived in squalor is impossible to describe. I'll just say it brought back harsh memories of some of the places I've been in my life and have no intention ever going back. It was obvious that the guy held no ill will towards the US or the west and that he was just trying to do the best he could to make the best for this family. It's just I dunno..
I guess, it's just hard to shake the feelings of remorse and guilt that rise everytime I think of that little girl and that family. In these people I can see the same despair and and hopelessness that is prevelent in the worst areas of our country, except that it's much worse and much more wide spread here. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but my experiences don't even hold a candle on the Fucked-up O' Meter*.
--
As I write this I've heard reports of an increase of attacks and AIF activity throughout Iraq and I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pinch of the futility that this whole thing could quickly become. I still believe in what we're doing and still feel good about what has been done, and what can be done in the future. Hopefully, this will turn out be the last desperate push by an enemy on the run, but theres a very real possibility that it could be the turning point in what will become a losing war for the US. I guess I'll be watching the news** like most of you hoping for the best, and pray that things work out for myself, my fellow soldiers and the citizens of both countries. The only other thing I can do is my job, and wherever that leads me.
*All applicable trademark and copyright laws apply
** I wish I could give some sort of inside information, but I just don't have any. (not that I could share it if I did) with the MWR and it's internet access, Tv's and free newspapers I'd be pretty much in the dark about everything. To give you an idea, It's Nov 12th, and I just found out that Bush won the election. We don't even know whats going on around us for the most part. The most information we got about what was going on in fallujah was an “intel” brief that read something like this:
Daily weather: Hot than a motherfucker in the day, Cold at nite, slight chance for rain.
Operations:
Marines have reached phase line Ihavenocluewhatsoever
Objection whothefuckknows has been taken by coalition forces.
Casulties:
Minimal.
Needless to say we didnt know what was going on outside the sight of our rifles. I guess we just spoil ourselves with modern technology. I can't imagine the soldiers in WWII having the slightest clue about what was going on.
The reason I've been so drained is because we've just been tasked and detailed out like a red headed step child. For those of you who are familiar with the inter-service rivalry in the military imagine this: We're scouts, attached to the infantry, who is in turn attached to the cavalry, who is then attached to the marines. If you were a civilian I guess the equivalent of that would be being assigned to the one guy in the office who hates your guts, for a special project, who as it turns out is under a guy who can't stand him, and who happens to be the guy that slept with his bosses wife at last year's Christmas party.
So yea, we've had it bad.
Anyway, Fallujah was not at all as I expected. I assumed it would be nothing like the rest of the cities we've been in. It being the “last terrorist stronghold in Iraq” I thought it would be filled with people who hated our guts and we'd find trouble every place we went. However, around the city it was just like the other areas in Iraq: most of the people seemed to like us with a few people who don't for whatever reason. However, we did receive more attacks than the rest of our time in country combined there.
In my short time in Iraq I've been through several engagements and contacts, and by all accounts I've felt what it means to be in “war” (whatever that means) but it wasn't until recently that I really felt the pain and the true price of war. It wasn't anything like one of my friends dying or anything like that (god knows I know what that feels like).
On one of our missions we were sitting somewhere in the countryside and as usual there was a group of kids asking for money, candy, food etc. All things considered, things were pretty normal but there was this little girl, and I just don't know how to describe it, but this girl seemed like one of the sweetest, nicest girls I've ever seen in my life. She couldn't have been more than 7 years old and there was nothing really remarkable about her, it was just something about the way she was that struck me as exceptional.
I guess it had something to do with the fact that when you looked at her you didn't know that only a couple miles away army howitzers, planes and helicopters were bombing the shit out of her country and home. Well, a few days later we ended up putting up a major traffic control point right in front of this girl's house. I've never felt such a feeling of dread as I did every time we took any sort of fire, and I found myself searching for this girl every time we rolled out of the check point.
Then during another mission we had to search this house that was in the middle of a makeshift cemetary (On something completely unrelated, it was surreal to see people buried in shallow ditches with nothing more than a couple stacked cinder blocks to mark the grave.) Apparently this family had fled their homes in Fallujah and had took up residence in this house, that for people who have never lived in squalor is impossible to describe. I'll just say it brought back harsh memories of some of the places I've been in my life and have no intention ever going back. It was obvious that the guy held no ill will towards the US or the west and that he was just trying to do the best he could to make the best for this family. It's just I dunno..
I guess, it's just hard to shake the feelings of remorse and guilt that rise everytime I think of that little girl and that family. In these people I can see the same despair and and hopelessness that is prevelent in the worst areas of our country, except that it's much worse and much more wide spread here. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but my experiences don't even hold a candle on the Fucked-up O' Meter*.
--
As I write this I've heard reports of an increase of attacks and AIF activity throughout Iraq and I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pinch of the futility that this whole thing could quickly become. I still believe in what we're doing and still feel good about what has been done, and what can be done in the future. Hopefully, this will turn out be the last desperate push by an enemy on the run, but theres a very real possibility that it could be the turning point in what will become a losing war for the US. I guess I'll be watching the news** like most of you hoping for the best, and pray that things work out for myself, my fellow soldiers and the citizens of both countries. The only other thing I can do is my job, and wherever that leads me.
*All applicable trademark and copyright laws apply
** I wish I could give some sort of inside information, but I just don't have any. (not that I could share it if I did) with the MWR and it's internet access, Tv's and free newspapers I'd be pretty much in the dark about everything. To give you an idea, It's Nov 12th, and I just found out that Bush won the election. We don't even know whats going on around us for the most part. The most information we got about what was going on in fallujah was an “intel” brief that read something like this:
Daily weather: Hot than a motherfucker in the day, Cold at nite, slight chance for rain.
Operations:
Marines have reached phase line Ihavenocluewhatsoever
Objection whothefuckknows has been taken by coalition forces.
Casulties:
Minimal.
Needless to say we didnt know what was going on outside the sight of our rifles. I guess we just spoil ourselves with modern technology. I can't imagine the soldiers in WWII having the slightest clue about what was going on.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
I'm sure most of you who I talk to online have noticed that I've been online pretty reguarly over the last week or so. Unfortunately that will probaly be changined in the near future. It doesn't look like we'll be staying anywhere for long, because they are already sending us somewhere else.
I can't really say where, and don't know for how long or how the facilities will be there. So, I'll probaly keep the same mode of typing things up on my laptop and posting them when I get the opprutunity.
Things have been pretty quiet for the most part and time has just been grinding on. Hopefully, that will change soon because if it doesn't It'll be a long year.
I can't really say where, and don't know for how long or how the facilities will be there. So, I'll probaly keep the same mode of typing things up on my laptop and posting them when I get the opprutunity.
Things have been pretty quiet for the most part and time has just been grinding on. Hopefully, that will change soon because if it doesn't It'll be a long year.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Almost forgot about this
This is about a guy I knew who I met over here:
Speaking of lost friends:
Sometimes, the world proves just how small it truly is. As I was talking to chow today, I met a guy I haven't seen since basic. It was this guy named Chow, and he was in the rehab unit at Knox with me. That's pretty significant to me because there were very few people out of that unit that actually rehabilitated and finished basic. Apparently this guy is in the unit I'm replacing out here in Iraq.
Chow's a character; when he talks you can barely understand him and hes a little on the eccentric side. He's a Chinese national who came to America to find a better life and joined the Army to earn his citizenship. His wife and family is still in china waiting for the opportunity to come over. He hopes he can get his citizenship when he gets back to do so.
This is a guy who moved to another country vastly different than his own, and fought in a war that many people question just for the chance at a better life for himself and his family. To me that's amazing and a testament to what some people are willing to do for a better tomorrow. It's a shame that I don't even see a fraction of that drive in my peers across America. Just a little
Speaking of lost friends:
Sometimes, the world proves just how small it truly is. As I was talking to chow today, I met a guy I haven't seen since basic. It was this guy named Chow, and he was in the rehab unit at Knox with me. That's pretty significant to me because there were very few people out of that unit that actually rehabilitated and finished basic. Apparently this guy is in the unit I'm replacing out here in Iraq.
Chow's a character; when he talks you can barely understand him and hes a little on the eccentric side. He's a Chinese national who came to America to find a better life and joined the Army to earn his citizenship. His wife and family is still in china waiting for the opportunity to come over. He hopes he can get his citizenship when he gets back to do so.
This is a guy who moved to another country vastly different than his own, and fought in a war that many people question just for the chance at a better life for himself and his family. To me that's amazing and a testament to what some people are willing to do for a better tomorrow. It's a shame that I don't even see a fraction of that drive in my peers across America. Just a little
Today
Wrote this this morning:
Well things change pretty fast around here. About three hours after I wrote the last post we got alerted for a mission and have been going full speed for the last 2 days. As soon as we returned from the one 24 hour mission we got tasked with battalion QRF. Which is where you have to be ready to go within 15 minutes and relieve anyone with issues such as recovering a mired vehicle or doing casevac for a a platoon. If nothing happens it's not too bad except for the fact that you can't go anywhere or do anything.
In the Army theres this rule about publicly making disparaging remarks about the army, your unit, the country or its leaders. I try to adhere to that rule for no other reason than I enjoy my free time, pay and other benefits associated with not being in trouble. . I just thought I'd say that.
In something completely unrelated to my preceeding statement, the last few days attached to the infantry has been “Interesting”. There hasn't been any casulties as far as I know, but there have been 3 accidental discharges, 1 “test fire” at a stray dog and 1 rolled over vehicle. ... and I've been on one mission. so...yea...
We're finally looking at some down time for the first time in a week so hopefully I'll be able to get to the Internet and post all these and keep em updated on a semi regular basis. We're supposed to be homesteading out of where we are at for a few months at least. I still don't like the prospect of actually getting any mail because our address has changed for the 5th or 6th time since the week prior to deployment. We'll see what happens.
Well things change pretty fast around here. About three hours after I wrote the last post we got alerted for a mission and have been going full speed for the last 2 days. As soon as we returned from the one 24 hour mission we got tasked with battalion QRF. Which is where you have to be ready to go within 15 minutes and relieve anyone with issues such as recovering a mired vehicle or doing casevac for a a platoon. If nothing happens it's not too bad except for the fact that you can't go anywhere or do anything.
In the Army theres this rule about publicly making disparaging remarks about the army, your unit, the country or its leaders. I try to adhere to that rule for no other reason than I enjoy my free time, pay and other benefits associated with not being in trouble. . I just thought I'd say that.
In something completely unrelated to my preceeding statement, the last few days attached to the infantry has been “Interesting”. There hasn't been any casulties as far as I know, but there have been 3 accidental discharges, 1 “test fire” at a stray dog and 1 rolled over vehicle. ... and I've been on one mission. so...yea...
We're finally looking at some down time for the first time in a week so hopefully I'll be able to get to the Internet and post all these and keep em updated on a semi regular basis. We're supposed to be homesteading out of where we are at for a few months at least. I still don't like the prospect of actually getting any mail because our address has changed for the 5th or 6th time since the week prior to deployment. We'll see what happens.
next one
From about 5-6 days ago:
Well, time to chalk up another experience I'd rather not replicate ever again. We spent about 15 hours driving from Mosul to outside of Baghdad. The smell emanating from my body afterwards was far from pleasant. Sitting in a drivers hole for 13 straight hours when its 105 degrees is not conducive to smelling good. The aggravating part is that it shouldn't even have taken that long, but ol Murphy is a motherfucker.
Other than that things are going great. Our platoon got attached to another infantry company in our brigade and we are totally independent from our troop and squadron. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the way that worked out. Hopefully, that'll be for the remainder of our time here, but that would be too good to be true.
The only bad part is that the infantry guys just got here and we'll probaly have to wait a couple weeks while they do their right seat rides and take over their AOR. After that we're supposed to be getting into it pretty thick. I just wish I knew what exactly that entailed.
I haven't seen much of Baghdad yet, but its definitely a lot different than I expected. The countryside is a lot more green than I expected. There are trees and fields everywhere. I used to wonder how this place was the “cradle of civilization” but I can see it now. The camp they have us on is huge, theres at least a whole division here and it's hooked up pretty sweet like; it's definitely better than anything we had at Lewis.
Well, time to chalk up another experience I'd rather not replicate ever again. We spent about 15 hours driving from Mosul to outside of Baghdad. The smell emanating from my body afterwards was far from pleasant. Sitting in a drivers hole for 13 straight hours when its 105 degrees is not conducive to smelling good. The aggravating part is that it shouldn't even have taken that long, but ol Murphy is a motherfucker.
Other than that things are going great. Our platoon got attached to another infantry company in our brigade and we are totally independent from our troop and squadron. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the way that worked out. Hopefully, that'll be for the remainder of our time here, but that would be too good to be true.
The only bad part is that the infantry guys just got here and we'll probaly have to wait a couple weeks while they do their right seat rides and take over their AOR. After that we're supposed to be getting into it pretty thick. I just wish I knew what exactly that entailed.
I haven't seen much of Baghdad yet, but its definitely a lot different than I expected. The countryside is a lot more green than I expected. There are trees and fields everywhere. I used to wonder how this place was the “cradle of civilization” but I can see it now. The camp they have us on is huge, theres at least a whole division here and it's hooked up pretty sweet like; it's definitely better than anything we had at Lewis.
okay back up
Alright, well finally got the chance to sit down for a little bit and add those old posts. We'll see how long I can keep it up.
____
This is my first one from Mosul:
Anyway, things are going well up here in case anyone was worried. We hit ground in Kuwait and 2 days later we were running missions in Mosul with the unit we are replacing. I've seen a lot of Mosul and the surrounding country in that time, and its a lot to take in.
For starters, the country side is simply unbelievable. I never imagined that there was still tons of people still living in mud and brick houses with thatch roofs. You can't help but feel bad about the things we as American's take for granted when you look at these villages that look like something out of national geographic or pictures of America pre-industrial age.
The city, while not very big (at least as Chicago goes) looks like the projects on a much grander scale. There are people living in crumbling houses with no walls, there are bare-foot little kids everywhere and the whole power system looks like it was jerry-rigged with clothes line, along with other miscellaneous pieces of junk.
It's a little weird saying all the people waving, smiling and give thumbs up signs as you roll down the street. It's certainly different than anything I've ever experienced in my life. That's not to say that all the people seem happy that we are there. Most of the people just seem to want to go about their daily business without interference from either side, and of course there are plenty of people who give us dirty looks or flip us off as we roll by. Then there is the attacks..
For the most part it seems that back home a lot of the attacks are over sensationalized. A lone mortar round indiscriminately lobbed in the fob, or someone chucking a hand grenade as vehicles roll under an underpass to little effect. However, there are highly coordinated attacks, that do produce casualties. They usually seem to hit the HMMVEEs or other lesser armed vehicles, in fact the only major attacks on Strykers appear to only happen after we (the US or the ING) do something that significantly disrupts the day to day lives of the people living in Mosul.
Keep in mind, this is only two weeks in. There's no telling how things will be in the future, but if it's any indication the unit we're taking over for said they had minimal amounts of contact up until the last few months. Our unit has already suffered a few casualties, as far as I know none have been fatal but some people have gotten pretty messed up. I'll refrain from talking about any particular incident for op sec and out of consideration of the people involved.
Overall, things aren't so bad here (yet) the living conditions are pretty good, and seem to get better as we adjust to life in a combat zone. Some people are having a harder time adjusting than others, but thats understandable. It certainly hasn't turned into the most stressful situation in my life, but again its only two weeks in. That's about it for now, hopefully I'll be able to update things a little bit more when we move to another camp.
____
This is my first one from Mosul:
Anyway, things are going well up here in case anyone was worried. We hit ground in Kuwait and 2 days later we were running missions in Mosul with the unit we are replacing. I've seen a lot of Mosul and the surrounding country in that time, and its a lot to take in.
For starters, the country side is simply unbelievable. I never imagined that there was still tons of people still living in mud and brick houses with thatch roofs. You can't help but feel bad about the things we as American's take for granted when you look at these villages that look like something out of national geographic or pictures of America pre-industrial age.
The city, while not very big (at least as Chicago goes) looks like the projects on a much grander scale. There are people living in crumbling houses with no walls, there are bare-foot little kids everywhere and the whole power system looks like it was jerry-rigged with clothes line, along with other miscellaneous pieces of junk.
It's a little weird saying all the people waving, smiling and give thumbs up signs as you roll down the street. It's certainly different than anything I've ever experienced in my life. That's not to say that all the people seem happy that we are there. Most of the people just seem to want to go about their daily business without interference from either side, and of course there are plenty of people who give us dirty looks or flip us off as we roll by. Then there is the attacks..
For the most part it seems that back home a lot of the attacks are over sensationalized. A lone mortar round indiscriminately lobbed in the fob, or someone chucking a hand grenade as vehicles roll under an underpass to little effect. However, there are highly coordinated attacks, that do produce casualties. They usually seem to hit the HMMVEEs or other lesser armed vehicles, in fact the only major attacks on Strykers appear to only happen after we (the US or the ING) do something that significantly disrupts the day to day lives of the people living in Mosul.
Keep in mind, this is only two weeks in. There's no telling how things will be in the future, but if it's any indication the unit we're taking over for said they had minimal amounts of contact up until the last few months. Our unit has already suffered a few casualties, as far as I know none have been fatal but some people have gotten pretty messed up. I'll refrain from talking about any particular incident for op sec and out of consideration of the people involved.
Overall, things aren't so bad here (yet) the living conditions are pretty good, and seem to get better as we adjust to life in a combat zone. Some people are having a harder time adjusting than others, but thats understandable. It certainly hasn't turned into the most stressful situation in my life, but again its only two weeks in. That's about it for now, hopefully I'll be able to update things a little bit more when we move to another camp.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Sorry
Things have been pretty hectic and online access is quite limited. I've been keeping updates on my laptop and when I get the chance (which *should*) be within the next 3-4 days I'll post em all. Otherwise, everything else is fine.
-Daniel
-Daniel
Saturday, October 02, 2004
The day I die
As I wait to fly in what used to be my room I can't help but contemplate the days to come. Re-reading some the things I've posted has encouraged me to expound on a few of the things I've said in the past, here and to certain people.
I've made my final preperations to depart, I've checked my bags twice, secured my finances and I've weathered the expected torrent of goodbyes, well wishes, re-assurances and promises of fun upon my return. Also, a question that seems universal to everyone I talk to about my impending deployment is “Are you scared?
There is no denying the possibility that I may never return to the United States. I'm sure my friends and family won't like reading that last sentence but it's the truth. In all reality I could just as easily die minding my business back in the states, and that I could live a long but unfulfilling pointless life. Death is the final truth that all of us has to accept at one point in time and all I can do is hope that when it comes that I am happy and content with the way that I have lived.
I remember a time in my life where nothing mattered at all to me. I didn't care how my actions effected those around or even myself. I'd still be on that path if it wasn't for the people who went out of their way to help me. What type of person would I be if I was unwilling to step up and help other people? Not much of one, at least in my opinion.
All the political pandering and hyperbole prevailant on both sides of today's political spectrum can't change the fact that hundreds of thousands people died at the hands of Saddam Hussein and there was no foreseeable end to all of it. I can only hope that my service and those of my peers can actually make a difference when all is said and done.
The war in Iraq is far from over, and the end result remains to be seen. There have been mistakes, and things definitely could have been done better all around. That shouldn't stop us from moving forward and doing everything we can. The War on Terrorism won't just be won with big guns and missles, it will be won on the home front, and in the minds of people that many of us will never have the opprutunity to meet.
It's important to realize these people so often demonized in the media are people too, with beliefs, desires and wishes not so different than our own. If we don't then we are doomed to continually come in conflict with these people who at the root of things want the same thing we do, the same thing that many of us take for granted: Life, libery and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm just a grunt, a minor player in the grand scheme of things. So, I go forth to do what I do, hoping to make a difference no matter how small and only pray that we as a society can find a solution to the lingering issues and differences that manifest itself in the minds and effectuations of people such as Osama Bin, Saddam Hussein, and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
However, until that time comes it is necessary for people to figh;. I just happen to be one of those people. So to answer that question “Are you afraid” I always say the same thing, “Of course not”. I don't say that to boost myself or appear more manly, of course there is a certain level of trepidation of the unknown and what may come. In actuality, I am more afraid of the degraded mentality that would accompany the belief that nothing is worth fighting for and that I am too good to give the next man the same compassion and asisstance I once received.
Indeed, the day that I adopt that mentality as my own is the day that I shall truly be dead.
-----------------------------------------
I've had these thoughts in my mind for a long time, and not a day goes by that I don't re-evaluate where I stand in regards to many things. If it seems like I'm repeating myself then I truly apologize. I'm just simply trying to clarify some of my own thoughts so I can better understand where I am coming from myself. Hopefully when I hit the ground I'll have more things to post that other people will find more interesting ;)
I've made my final preperations to depart, I've checked my bags twice, secured my finances and I've weathered the expected torrent of goodbyes, well wishes, re-assurances and promises of fun upon my return. Also, a question that seems universal to everyone I talk to about my impending deployment is “Are you scared?
There is no denying the possibility that I may never return to the United States. I'm sure my friends and family won't like reading that last sentence but it's the truth. In all reality I could just as easily die minding my business back in the states, and that I could live a long but unfulfilling pointless life. Death is the final truth that all of us has to accept at one point in time and all I can do is hope that when it comes that I am happy and content with the way that I have lived.
I remember a time in my life where nothing mattered at all to me. I didn't care how my actions effected those around or even myself. I'd still be on that path if it wasn't for the people who went out of their way to help me. What type of person would I be if I was unwilling to step up and help other people? Not much of one, at least in my opinion.
All the political pandering and hyperbole prevailant on both sides of today's political spectrum can't change the fact that hundreds of thousands people died at the hands of Saddam Hussein and there was no foreseeable end to all of it. I can only hope that my service and those of my peers can actually make a difference when all is said and done.
The war in Iraq is far from over, and the end result remains to be seen. There have been mistakes, and things definitely could have been done better all around. That shouldn't stop us from moving forward and doing everything we can. The War on Terrorism won't just be won with big guns and missles, it will be won on the home front, and in the minds of people that many of us will never have the opprutunity to meet.
It's important to realize these people so often demonized in the media are people too, with beliefs, desires and wishes not so different than our own. If we don't then we are doomed to continually come in conflict with these people who at the root of things want the same thing we do, the same thing that many of us take for granted: Life, libery and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm just a grunt, a minor player in the grand scheme of things. So, I go forth to do what I do, hoping to make a difference no matter how small and only pray that we as a society can find a solution to the lingering issues and differences that manifest itself in the minds and effectuations of people such as Osama Bin, Saddam Hussein, and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
However, until that time comes it is necessary for people to figh;. I just happen to be one of those people. So to answer that question “Are you afraid” I always say the same thing, “Of course not”. I don't say that to boost myself or appear more manly, of course there is a certain level of trepidation of the unknown and what may come. In actuality, I am more afraid of the degraded mentality that would accompany the belief that nothing is worth fighting for and that I am too good to give the next man the same compassion and asisstance I once received.
Indeed, the day that I adopt that mentality as my own is the day that I shall truly be dead.
-----------------------------------------
I've had these thoughts in my mind for a long time, and not a day goes by that I don't re-evaluate where I stand in regards to many things. If it seems like I'm repeating myself then I truly apologize. I'm just simply trying to clarify some of my own thoughts so I can better understand where I am coming from myself. Hopefully when I hit the ground I'll have more things to post that other people will find more interesting ;)
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Iraq
ell, I've been procrastinating on writing this for some time now, but D-day is edging closer and closer. So, I finally decided to get off my ass, sit down and write this (I'll let you figure that one out). In this ?little? post I may talk about my overall feelings on the war in Iraq and war in general, some of my past, my feelings toward the army and whatever other tangent I manage to find myself on. We'll just see where it goes.
I have a lot of good reasons as to why I should maintain a journal like this, but in actually it boils down to one thing: stemming the inevitable flow of boredom. I've been in the Army long enough to know that anything you do will be filled with copious amounts of mind numbingly boring time. I guess I'm also doing this for my family, the many people I have come to know through the Internet, individual piece of mind, self realization and the ever looming prospect of getting poontang (priorities).
I guess a little introduction is in order. I'm a 19D cavalry scout currently assigned to the Army's second Stryker brigade. I was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. It's not exactly the best place to live in this country and you'll probaly hear me talk a lot of shit about it, but bottom line is that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My free time is usually spent doing school work, working out, reading books or fucking around on my computer. I've always enjoyed politics and history so I spend quite a bit of time following current events and discussing them on line. I got the idea to maintain one of those so that people I have been bantering with for several years can get my personal opinions on the way things are over there. So, I guess that's hello.
For those who have never been in the service, it's pretty trippy. I've had a lot of bumps in the road and gotten some rough deals in the Army but overall I've enjoyed my service to this country. I don't see this deployment changing that too much.
I'll be honest, I really don't give two fucks about the average Iraqi. I've met some pretty cool Iraqi's and I harbor no ill will towards any of them, but I can't honestly say my change would change dramatically if god decided to smite Babylon for a second time. This holds true for most places in the world.
However, on a matter of principal I think it was a good thing that we did in coming into Iraq. As bad as I might have had it in my life, I can't even begin fathom how some people lived under Saddam Hussein. I can certainly appreciate the good that has been done in this country, and in reality, if we hadn't done it, no one (not even the UN) would have. That doesn't mean that I agree with the way everything has gone prior, during and since we have gone in, or that I even like the current administration.
I like the fact that we as American's are willing to step up and do a good thing in the world regardless of what the rest of the hypocritical world may do or say. That's not to say that I am blind to the blatant hypocrisy prevalent in our neck of the woods, but I'm happy when something good comes of it. I don't think the fact that one or two corporations may profit from something is any reason to not do it, if it should be done regardless.
Unlike some people in this country I have no problems putting my blood, sweat, and tears behind my principals & ideals. So, with that and what I previously said in mind I can honestly say that I have no qualms about going into Iraq (and in fact endorsed it), even if I think that the American people would be better served with finding those directly responsible for the attacks on this country.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the personal fascination with going to ?war?. I guess this can be chalked up to youthful exuberance or a symptom of the super-man complex. I can't say it matters either way, because ever since I was a kid collecting G.I. Joes, I've had a latent desire to go to ?war?. I can't really say if its the desire to prove myself, the prospect of adventure, or just a certain amount of recklessness, but nevertheless the desire is there.
When I went home on leave it seemed like everyone was telling me that I was either crazy or stupid and that I should just run to Canada and sit this one out. But all bullshit aside: there is nothing that could be said or done that would make me back out of this deployment. I know I'll probaly want to smack myself for saying such things 6 months from now, but its what I feel in my heart. As much shit as I talk I won't turn my back on the guys in my unit, and I damn sure would never be able to live with myself if I balked at the only true opportunity I may ever have to prove myself a man, in the ancient sense of the word.
When I tell a lot of people these things, they all seem to ask if I'm scared. The honest answer to the question is ?Yea, of course I'm scared? , but its not in the sense that many people believe. I have the same level of fear of going to Iraq, that I've had everyday living in the states: the fear that my life will be inconsequential, marred by mediocracy and and plagued by the fear of never doing anything worthwhile. My fear is not that I will lose my life on this world, but that in doing so I will lose all the opportunity and all the chances to be something important to this world or at the very least to myself. However, I've come to realize if I let those fears dictate my actions throughout life, than my fears have already been realized, and that I have failed. In essence It's a catch 22, I have to do to live, but in doing so I risk death. I guess that is where faith comes into play.
In any event, thats all I got for now so hopefully I made a little bit of sense. I'll probaly write a little more in the upcoming days and months as it comes to me, and it will be interesting to see what effect my this will have my thoughts.
I have a lot of good reasons as to why I should maintain a journal like this, but in actually it boils down to one thing: stemming the inevitable flow of boredom. I've been in the Army long enough to know that anything you do will be filled with copious amounts of mind numbingly boring time. I guess I'm also doing this for my family, the many people I have come to know through the Internet, individual piece of mind, self realization and the ever looming prospect of getting poontang (priorities).
I guess a little introduction is in order. I'm a 19D cavalry scout currently assigned to the Army's second Stryker brigade. I was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. It's not exactly the best place to live in this country and you'll probaly hear me talk a lot of shit about it, but bottom line is that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My free time is usually spent doing school work, working out, reading books or fucking around on my computer. I've always enjoyed politics and history so I spend quite a bit of time following current events and discussing them on line. I got the idea to maintain one of those so that people I have been bantering with for several years can get my personal opinions on the way things are over there. So, I guess that's hello.
For those who have never been in the service, it's pretty trippy. I've had a lot of bumps in the road and gotten some rough deals in the Army but overall I've enjoyed my service to this country. I don't see this deployment changing that too much.
I'll be honest, I really don't give two fucks about the average Iraqi. I've met some pretty cool Iraqi's and I harbor no ill will towards any of them, but I can't honestly say my change would change dramatically if god decided to smite Babylon for a second time. This holds true for most places in the world.
However, on a matter of principal I think it was a good thing that we did in coming into Iraq. As bad as I might have had it in my life, I can't even begin fathom how some people lived under Saddam Hussein. I can certainly appreciate the good that has been done in this country, and in reality, if we hadn't done it, no one (not even the UN) would have. That doesn't mean that I agree with the way everything has gone prior, during and since we have gone in, or that I even like the current administration.
I like the fact that we as American's are willing to step up and do a good thing in the world regardless of what the rest of the hypocritical world may do or say. That's not to say that I am blind to the blatant hypocrisy prevalent in our neck of the woods, but I'm happy when something good comes of it. I don't think the fact that one or two corporations may profit from something is any reason to not do it, if it should be done regardless.
Unlike some people in this country I have no problems putting my blood, sweat, and tears behind my principals & ideals. So, with that and what I previously said in mind I can honestly say that I have no qualms about going into Iraq (and in fact endorsed it), even if I think that the American people would be better served with finding those directly responsible for the attacks on this country.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the personal fascination with going to ?war?. I guess this can be chalked up to youthful exuberance or a symptom of the super-man complex. I can't say it matters either way, because ever since I was a kid collecting G.I. Joes, I've had a latent desire to go to ?war?. I can't really say if its the desire to prove myself, the prospect of adventure, or just a certain amount of recklessness, but nevertheless the desire is there.
When I went home on leave it seemed like everyone was telling me that I was either crazy or stupid and that I should just run to Canada and sit this one out. But all bullshit aside: there is nothing that could be said or done that would make me back out of this deployment. I know I'll probaly want to smack myself for saying such things 6 months from now, but its what I feel in my heart. As much shit as I talk I won't turn my back on the guys in my unit, and I damn sure would never be able to live with myself if I balked at the only true opportunity I may ever have to prove myself a man, in the ancient sense of the word.
When I tell a lot of people these things, they all seem to ask if I'm scared. The honest answer to the question is ?Yea, of course I'm scared? , but its not in the sense that many people believe. I have the same level of fear of going to Iraq, that I've had everyday living in the states: the fear that my life will be inconsequential, marred by mediocracy and and plagued by the fear of never doing anything worthwhile. My fear is not that I will lose my life on this world, but that in doing so I will lose all the opportunity and all the chances to be something important to this world or at the very least to myself. However, I've come to realize if I let those fears dictate my actions throughout life, than my fears have already been realized, and that I have failed. In essence It's a catch 22, I have to do to live, but in doing so I risk death. I guess that is where faith comes into play.
In any event, thats all I got for now so hopefully I made a little bit of sense. I'll probaly write a little more in the upcoming days and months as it comes to me, and it will be interesting to see what effect my this will have my thoughts.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Life and times
One of the things that I`ve found out about life is that sometimes you meet alot of good people in places you would have never expected, but because of the shifting of life you become separated from most of them and never em again. Its a sobering feeling when your sitting next to someone having a great time and it hits you that in 3 years you`ll probaly barely remember this moment and the person you are sharing it with, caught up in the moment of the "now" then.
Yesterday two of my buddies got shot ina training accident. They are both okay and I`m not significantly shaken. I`ve seen alot of shit in my time, and it didn`t even register when it happened. Its not the fact that a few inches lower or higher and a couple of my buddies would be dead that scares me, it`s my reaction to it all:
I came home, ordered a pizza and went to sleep.
There was a time in my life when I was overly sensitive. Any complaint, criticism or trial of life would send me reeling. Through the many fights, real and metaphorical, this sensitivity calloused, leaving nothing but cynicism and apathy for others as well as my life.
There was a time even more recently when I saw this callousness as an plus, an edge to fight the never ending war of life. However, The farther I drift away from my sensitivity, the more I realize that I can never come back.
Its been almost three years but I am still back on the streets of Chicago. I can notgo into a store without scouting out all the possible exits and mapping out the layout of the cameras. I can never shake the feeling that somebody is always watching me, waiting, for that opprutunity to strike. In short I can never relax, and simply enjoy life. With the realization of this "reality" I then often wonder; why do I go on, what do I have to gain, where will I go and more importantly what the fuck will I do?
The path I am on will most certainly not lead me to any peace. I`m still slated to deploy within 60 days and there will undoubtedly be alot of struggle when (and if) I return to follow a college career that I simply can not afford. There is only (as there has always been) a small glimmer of hope, which may or may not be real that one day I will be able to lay down, relax and be liberated from the burdens I`ve carried my entire life.
The question I have asked myself much as of late is whether or not I will be able to relax even if the opprotunity presents itself. I honestly don`t think I will.
So, why do I go on?
I honestly don`t know.
Sometimes its simply because I have no choice and I`d rather not give the many naysayers the satisfaction of knowing they were right. Unfortunately, it appears that less and less it is because I truly have heartfelt hope. The reason that pops into my mind is staggeringly simple: I do it out of loyalty to my very few friends and family, to the ones still around and ones who are unfortunately not.
Which brings me the crux of the problem: What motivation will I have when my family and friends are gone? I`ve never lived a normal life. Everyday is greeted with the trepidation that someone close to me will be gone. I still remember how far my friend Ricky fell when his mother died, and I still remember those days that Ray-ray, Tavonne, Doug and my grandfather died (only one from natural causes mind you). I still remember when I got that phone call saying my best friend was facing the rest of his life in prison or something so stupid.
The only recourse I have ever found to deal with this is to steel myself from the emotions that accompany it, but the more I do the more I realize that by doing so, I steal from myself the very thing that keeps me going. The small part of me that is still idealistic wants to think that things will inevitably work out, but reality tells quite a different story. Its only a matter of time before I come crashing down, unable to go on or I slip into an unfeeling meaningless world of booze, drugs and women like every other male member of my family. I can only hope that I can somehow strive through till the end, for I have no place else to turn. I`ll never have a wife or child and its doubtful that I`ll meet anyone as meaningful to me as my old friends.
In essence, I`m trapped waiting for it end, but my pride will not allow me to end it myself or let anyone else do it without a fight. So what am I to do? Its a rhetorical question, because I`m as sure that I don` t know that no one else could possibly tell me the answer. So why even bother to type this out and then put it where others can read? I dunno; Maybe it will allow me to see where I have been and help me find where I should go, or maybe I`ll just feel a little better knowing I got some of it off my chest. We`ll see I guess. As for now I guess I`ve rambled on enough and should get back to work
Yesterday two of my buddies got shot ina training accident. They are both okay and I`m not significantly shaken. I`ve seen alot of shit in my time, and it didn`t even register when it happened. Its not the fact that a few inches lower or higher and a couple of my buddies would be dead that scares me, it`s my reaction to it all:
I came home, ordered a pizza and went to sleep.
There was a time in my life when I was overly sensitive. Any complaint, criticism or trial of life would send me reeling. Through the many fights, real and metaphorical, this sensitivity calloused, leaving nothing but cynicism and apathy for others as well as my life.
There was a time even more recently when I saw this callousness as an plus, an edge to fight the never ending war of life. However, The farther I drift away from my sensitivity, the more I realize that I can never come back.
Its been almost three years but I am still back on the streets of Chicago. I can notgo into a store without scouting out all the possible exits and mapping out the layout of the cameras. I can never shake the feeling that somebody is always watching me, waiting, for that opprutunity to strike. In short I can never relax, and simply enjoy life. With the realization of this "reality" I then often wonder; why do I go on, what do I have to gain, where will I go and more importantly what the fuck will I do?
The path I am on will most certainly not lead me to any peace. I`m still slated to deploy within 60 days and there will undoubtedly be alot of struggle when (and if) I return to follow a college career that I simply can not afford. There is only (as there has always been) a small glimmer of hope, which may or may not be real that one day I will be able to lay down, relax and be liberated from the burdens I`ve carried my entire life.
The question I have asked myself much as of late is whether or not I will be able to relax even if the opprotunity presents itself. I honestly don`t think I will.
So, why do I go on?
I honestly don`t know.
Sometimes its simply because I have no choice and I`d rather not give the many naysayers the satisfaction of knowing they were right. Unfortunately, it appears that less and less it is because I truly have heartfelt hope. The reason that pops into my mind is staggeringly simple: I do it out of loyalty to my very few friends and family, to the ones still around and ones who are unfortunately not.
Which brings me the crux of the problem: What motivation will I have when my family and friends are gone? I`ve never lived a normal life. Everyday is greeted with the trepidation that someone close to me will be gone. I still remember how far my friend Ricky fell when his mother died, and I still remember those days that Ray-ray, Tavonne, Doug and my grandfather died (only one from natural causes mind you). I still remember when I got that phone call saying my best friend was facing the rest of his life in prison or something so stupid.
The only recourse I have ever found to deal with this is to steel myself from the emotions that accompany it, but the more I do the more I realize that by doing so, I steal from myself the very thing that keeps me going. The small part of me that is still idealistic wants to think that things will inevitably work out, but reality tells quite a different story. Its only a matter of time before I come crashing down, unable to go on or I slip into an unfeeling meaningless world of booze, drugs and women like every other male member of my family. I can only hope that I can somehow strive through till the end, for I have no place else to turn. I`ll never have a wife or child and its doubtful that I`ll meet anyone as meaningful to me as my old friends.
In essence, I`m trapped waiting for it end, but my pride will not allow me to end it myself or let anyone else do it without a fight. So what am I to do? Its a rhetorical question, because I`m as sure that I don` t know that no one else could possibly tell me the answer. So why even bother to type this out and then put it where others can read? I dunno; Maybe it will allow me to see where I have been and help me find where I should go, or maybe I`ll just feel a little better knowing I got some of it off my chest. We`ll see I guess. As for now I guess I`ve rambled on enough and should get back to work
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