Often times we're so caught up in dealing with the craziness that we can't really appreciate the craziness.
Somehow I found my way back to my old blog from Iraq. I say somehow, but it's not really a mystery. I should really be doing school work but I can't really bring myself to do it. It's funny because it seems like I'm at the same point in my life that I was 2 years ago. I had just gotten to Iraq and was adjusting to what that all meant; the weather and the 16 hour missions, now I'm getting used to class debates, midterms and calculus (not so much).
Anyway, it's weird to sit back and see what I had to say about life during times that others would undoubtedly count as "significant". I mean, did I really make all those typos? Jesus.
In all seriousness, craziness is the only word I think to describe what its like to step back in time and analyze some of the things I've said, and the things I've done since then. It's amazing to me that some of my worst fears have come to fruitation, such as the Iraqi situation degenerating into a civil war. The United States still hasn't learned that you don't win someone's gratitude while you're pointing at gun at them.
It's also amazing to be able to go back and watch my thought processes as I came to the conclusion that the United States Military is not the organization to win hearts and minds.
This leads into probably the number one new dilemnia that I face today. In the past, I thought it was so simple and that I was about to set forth on a path that would make the world a better place. I sit here two years later, uncertain about the good I've done in my life and uncertain about what I can do to really make the difference that I want. If there is anything I know today that I didn't before, its that I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Me not knowing what I'm doing?
Crazy.
Yet, if anything its the only thing I've become to know with any sort of certainty. I've learned more at AU than I ever imagined that I would, but the irony is that the more I learn, the more questions I have and the more I realize that I don't really know shit.
It's crazy to think that I'm still struggling with the very issues that I identified years ago and that I'm no closer to finding the solution today than I was then.
By all accounts my life is going amazing well, but I'm still struggling with the apathy and indifference that threatens to destroy everything I've worked for. I'm still haunted by the memories of my father, and whether or not those memories will become my reality. Home is still the Hood and vice versa. I still can't escape the mentality and the legacy of where I've come from. It doesn't matter that the place I sleep has some guy at the door with an accent. I thought it was all supposed to get better with success? I guess not. Oh, and you know what is crazy? The fact that the more I succceed and do well, the more people expect out of me. I can't help but look back on my life and feel this sense of accomplishment, but now when I look ahead I see more work to be done than I ever imagined before.
Crazy.
