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I should really have a lot to talk about, but I haven't really had the urge, desire or energy to write at all. The last two weeks we've been attached to the marines during the assault of Fallujah.
The reason I've been so drained is because we've just been tasked and detailed out like a red headed step child. For those of you who are familiar with the inter-service rivalry in the military imagine this: We're scouts, attached to the infantry, who is in turn attached to the cavalry, who is then attached to the marines. If you were a civilian I guess the equivalent of that would be being assigned to the one guy in the office who hates your guts, for a special project, who as it turns out is under a guy who can't stand him, and who happens to be the guy that slept with his bosses wife at last year's Christmas party.

So yea, we've had it bad.

Anyway, Fallujah was not at all as I expected. I assumed it would be nothing like the rest of the cities we've been in. It being the “last terrorist stronghold in Iraq” I thought it would be filled with people who hated our guts and we'd find trouble every place we went. However, around the city it was just like the other areas in Iraq: most of the people seemed to like us with a few people who don't for whatever reason. However, we did receive more attacks than the rest of our time in country combined there.
In my short time in Iraq I've been through several engagements and contacts, and by all accounts I've felt what it means to be in “war” (whatever that means) but it wasn't until recently that I really felt the pain and the true price of war. It wasn't anything like one of my friends dying or anything like that (god knows I know what that feels like).
On one of our missions we were sitting somewhere in the countryside and as usual there was a group of kids asking for money, candy, food etc. All things considered, things were pretty normal but there was this little girl, and I just don't know how to describe it, but this girl seemed like one of the sweetest, nicest girls I've ever seen in my life. She couldn't have been more than 7 years old and there was nothing really remarkable about her, it was just something about the way she was that struck me as exceptional.
I guess it had something to do with the fact that when you looked at her you didn't know that only a couple miles away army howitzers, planes and helicopters were bombing the shit out of her country and home. Well, a few days later we ended up putting up a major traffic control point right in front of this girl's house. I've never felt such a feeling of dread as I did every time we took any sort of fire, and I found myself searching for this girl every time we rolled out of the check point.
Then during another mission we had to search this house that was in the middle of a makeshift cemetary (On something completely unrelated, it was surreal to see people buried in shallow ditches with nothing more than a couple stacked cinder blocks to mark the grave.) Apparently this family had fled their homes in Fallujah and had took up residence in this house, that for people who have never lived in squalor is impossible to describe. I'll just say it brought back harsh memories of some of the places I've been in my life and have no intention ever going back. It was obvious that the guy held no ill will towards the US or the west and that he was just trying to do the best he could to make the best for this family. It's just I dunno..

I guess, it's just hard to shake the feelings of remorse and guilt that rise everytime I think of that little girl and that family. In these people I can see the same despair and and hopelessness that is prevelent in the worst areas of our country, except that it's much worse and much more wide spread here. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but my experiences don't even hold a candle on the Fucked-up O' Meter*.


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As I write this I've heard reports of an increase of attacks and AIF activity throughout Iraq and I'd be lying if I didn't feel a pinch of the futility that this whole thing could quickly become. I still believe in what we're doing and still feel good about what has been done, and what can be done in the future. Hopefully, this will turn out be the last desperate push by an enemy on the run, but theres a very real possibility that it could be the turning point in what will become a losing war for the US. I guess I'll be watching the news** like most of you hoping for the best, and pray that things work out for myself, my fellow soldiers and the citizens of both countries. The only other thing I can do is my job, and wherever that leads me.

*All applicable trademark and copyright laws apply

** I wish I could give some sort of inside information, but I just don't have any. (not that I could share it if I did) with the MWR and it's internet access, Tv's and free newspapers I'd be pretty much in the dark about everything. To give you an idea, It's Nov 12th, and I just found out that Bush won the election. We don't even know whats going on around us for the most part. The most information we got about what was going on in fallujah was an “intel” brief that read something like this:

Daily weather: Hot than a motherfucker in the day, Cold at nite, slight chance for rain.

Operations:

Marines have reached phase line Ihavenocluewhatsoever

Objection whothefuckknows has been taken by coalition forces.

Casulties:

Minimal.


Needless to say we didnt know what was going on outside the sight of our rifles. I guess we just spoil ourselves with modern technology. I can't imagine the soldiers in WWII having the slightest clue about what was going on.