Xmas thoughts

Well, here I am again; Staring at my open office text editor (plug) determined to write about something. It's definitely been a while and a lot has happened that I could have written about. Yet, things are rather difficult when the things happening are personal. That's not to trivialize anything I've said over the past year and change, but the reality is that I have been able to detach myself form the things I have done or been apart of. I haven't been able to do that with the things that have happened since I've come home. I could just as easily have a change of heart and leave Iraq and the rest of the world to their own business, but I could never just detach myself from my friends and family. Selfish or shallow? Possibly, but that's just the reality of the situation.

Anyway, my life has been moving at a very rapid pace. Especially compared to the last 4 years where I've had the luxury of looking at every move and decision with the knowledge that crunch time wasn't for months or even years.

No more.

I've flown across the country half a dozen times in the last few months trying to get school and the next few years of my life situated. I'm registered for classes, I have my classes and have made all the necessary arrangements, and now it's time to DO, which in a lot of cases is easier said than done. I still haven't come to a specific consensus of what's the right thing to do. Of course, being back in Chicago hasn't been helping. Everyday I'm confronted with the rampant impossibility that permeates every corner of this place. When I say impossibility I mean the inherent promise of prosperity that is the basis of this country and is yet unattainable by a significant portion of this society.

I can ignore it in other places, but here I can't because it's my friends and it's my family. I can't be in this place for more than a week without having to deal with the people close to me being damn near killed or going to jail and the utter poverty is impossible to avoid.

I know I should be happy that I have so many good things going on in my life, especially considering what I've been through. I just can't help but feel bad when I go to my buddies house in the projects, only to see his nieces struggling to get by in a household that the word broken only begins to describe.

I can't escape the feeling that I've somehow abandoned these people who have been instrumental in my life, even if I know it's self destructive and utterly useless. Suffice to say, I acutely remember why I felt the need to leave in the first place and realize that while my heart will always be here, that this can never be my home if I ever want to do something for myself and those I care about.

The rest of my life has pretty much been filled with relaxing and having fun, things I really haven't given myself the luxury of for the last 6-7 years. I wish I could say it's been a good thing, but the reality it's not. I haven't really done anything constructive, unless of course you call drinking myself stupid more than a few times and getting out of shape constructive.

So, I'm actually kinda anticipating the start of school even if it means 3-4 hours of sleep every couple of days and little to no social life. There's a part of me that wishes that I could really relax, but then there is the more powerful urge inside of me that precludes that from happening. One of the most significant being the desire to never be like my father. I bring this up because I recently sat down and “talked” to my father for the first time in over five years. I don't have any love for the man, but there are certain aspects of my life that I feel that are unavoidable and they are a direct result of the relationship I've had with my father; which is due in no small part to the relationship he had with his father, and his before him. I had hoped that maybe he had actually changed a little bit like my mother and everyone else had tried to convince me of, but he's still the same person he's always been, and that is to say unbearably conceited and completely oblivious to the world outside of himself.

I'm not gonna get into bashing the man as I've tried very hard to move him out of my life and I came to realize a long time ago that my life and future has everything to do with myself and nothing to do with him or his actions. It's my responsibility to mitigate those various inherited flaws that I've been struggling with for awhile now. Needless to say, I don't feel the need to ever speak to the man again and I only extend him the courtesy of existing for the sake of my family who has undoubtedly suffered because of our enmity over the years.

High Society

So anyway, I apparently spoke way too soon in my last post. A week later our squadron got orders to go somewhere else and our troop got doled out to different infantry battalions again. This marks something like the 14th time our platoon has made a major move or went to another unit. The only thing that is different this time is that we're holed up in the palace that Saddam's sons made their last stand in (it didn't last long). It's a cool experience to say the least. I mean, how many people can say they played soccer in a grand foyer? The only bad part is that this is where the Task force command is at, so you have more captains walking around then privates. The nit picking from people who have never left the fob in the few months they've been here gets old pretty quick, but its all made up for when a mortar goes off and you see a few staff people running like the Tet Offensive just kicked off.

Other than that, the only thing difference is the fact that our re-deployment is right around the corner. We've started packing our bags and beginning to prep for what appears to be a painful move home. Just as an example, I'll be carrying 3 duffel bags, 1 ruck sack and an assault pack on the plane with me. That's not gonna be fun at all, but truthfully, I don' t think I'll mind too much, afterwards.

The only thing is that this is probably the most dangerous time for us. When we first got here everyone was amped up, ready to kill and so on and so forth, but now everyone is tired, agitated and pretty much just focusing on getting home. The reality being that nothing is different for the people here and all that translates to is that someone somewhere is gonna get caught slipping. And it goes without saying that it would suck pretty hard to spend a year here only to die in the last week. The unit we replaced lost several people on their last mission, and a buddy of mine who was in the national guard died in the chow hall bombing in what was supposed to be his last week in country.

It's still pretty hard to not think about going home, because above all else its something different. If someone asked me to describe the last 3 weeks of my life I'd probably say it was a mix between the movie groundhog day and the ever lingering possibility of maiming. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping whenever I have free time (which is a lot) and I've been procrastinating on my school work because I know that it's the last class I can take over here and if I finish it in a week like I've done before I'll have absolutely nothing to do for the next 5 weeks... you know, besides that whole combat thing. *cough

Back at it again

Back at it again

Well, we all knew it was going to happen one day, but weren't really prepared for when it did happen. Yes, the unthinkable happened: Our super, high-speed, ultra awesome special operation mission came to an end and we went back to our parent unit. The only way I can adequately explain the transition is to vividly describe a swift kick in the nuts, so imagine that and if you find yourself without the requisite equipment for such a visual, than I dunno what to tell you.
I still can't really talk about what we did, but I can say that there was a minimal amount of BS and we were actually doing something that felt important... and now .. we're back to the world of IED patrols and screen lines among other things. There are a bunch of fancy sounding military terms to describe what we do but it pretty much boils down to sitting in the middle of the hot desert for hours at a time or driving up and down the road to “find” bombs. For the sake of my mother I'll not get too much into what that entails, but needless to say the same amount of job satisfaction isn't there.
Yea, I'm bitching but in reality we've (as in me and my platoon) have been pretty lucky throughout this deployment. We've probably seen more of Iraq and made more of an impact than any other platoon in the entire brigade and have take zero casualties as of today, July 6th. -- Which reminds me: Happy Birthday Irene. I can't believe you're 16. --
It's not a stretch to say those 6 months were probably the best I have spent in the Army and few people in the Regular Army can say they've done similar things. Anyway, at least I've gotten some pretty good pictures.
So moving on, but It's hard to imagine but we're (as in our brigade) almost done. It doesn't seem like it but I was I left Fallujah over 7 months ago, and it's still vivid in my mind. It's kinda hard to grasp the reality that in a little over a month and a half we'll start packing up to come home and a little while after that I'll be packing up to leave the life I've lived for almost 4 years now. I don't really have a lot of time to think about all that when I'm out on mission, but its time when I take the time to think about things that it really hits home. I've probably covered this ad nauseum in the past so I'll not really go into this time.
Anyway, I haven' t really personally been up to a whole lot. For the most part I'm finished with my Film class, which leaves me a science class and English 102 (which I'll be starting in the next few days) short of my associates. A two year degree in 4 years doesn't really sound too impressive, but its a lot more than I ever hoped for and I've gone through an awful lot to make it happen. I always hear about people bitching about having to pull an all nighter once or twice a year but I have to wonder how many people have had to take a test after 15 hours of combat patrols. I've also been messing around with my new computer. I'm now running Linux on my new laptop (I kinda destroyed the old one) and loving it and I only have the destruction of 90% of my files to show for it. It's alright, the only thing I'll really miss is my music and I have copies of that on my desktop back at lewis. So all and all it's not too bad. I've also been reading a lot, but with me that's pretty much a given in any situation. I've also been writing a little and continue to discuss various things in various online forums. In fact, I wrote a pretty long one a few days ago because we had a day of no patrols and I was rather bored. I'll add it to the end of this post so people can kinda see some of the things I talk\think about. Anyway, that's about it, not really much to talk about but I said I'd try and post more, so here it is.

War and peace in the 21st century

When I started posting on these boards several years ago (it seems like yesterday) I really didn't' t know a lot about politics. In fact, up until that point I really didn't care because I had much more pressing matters in my life to take care of, but being in the military I found myself in a situation where global politics would effectively define how the next few years of my life went. So, being the type of person I am I set out to find out as much as I could about this politics business and I eventually found my way here. It was only natural as I spent too much time posting here as it was.
To say that was a “novice” in the field of politics would have been a pretty big understatement as the extent of my knowledge was the few (few being purely relative) books I had read and my beliefs of what constituted right and wrong. I can't really say that things are too different today but I have read a lot more books and improved my ability to articulate my feelings significantly. For the most part I've tried to approach things objectively without aligning myself with any one side out of general principal. In short, I try not to be a lemming like most of the people who have a vested interest in politics. It's been hard and I'm sure I've contradicted myself on several occasions, but hey no ones perfect.
Anyway, moving on to the point I'm writing this post to announce the fact that I think I've finally reached a consensus on what it is I truly want out of the world and the war in Iraq more specifically and I can't really claim that its something that I came up with all by myself because it's not. In fact, it comes from a book that I recently read and before I go further I'd like to really stress the fact that it's taken a lot for me to admit that I don't know everything and defer things to an outside source. Hopefully it's for the best.
The book is The Pentagon's New map by Thomas P.M. Barnett a guy who works at the Naval War College and a security expert of some kind. The thing that really appealed to me about this book was that a lot of what he said coincided so perfectly with my personal beliefs that at points I knew what was gonna come on the next page before I even got there. Before, you start getting scared I'll just say that this guy goes far more in depth and makes a lot more sense than I ever have. Needless to say the book comes highly recommended, and while I don't entertain any notions that everyone will necessarily agree with what is said I hope that people can get something out of it.
The book is about security in the next century and the role the pentagon has to play in securing peace and waging war. It's also fairly old (a couple years) so you'll have to bear with me if you all have already covered all this. You can blame the cute girl who worked in the O'Hare airport who made me think that I just had to buy a book. ;)
Anyway, on to the basis of the book; He goes along with the premise that the United States has the greatest power to influence the world and that the pentagon is the great entity in the government to accomplish anything. I'm sure there is a certain level of bias inherent in this assumption but I'm more than inclined to agree with it. He also begins with the notion that the age of state wars, or wars between two competing states is over, thanks in large part to the cold war and the subsequent fall of the Soviet Union. I'm not so convinced of this myself and I'll return to it in a few sentences. Playing off this he's done a considerable amount of research into the nature of post cold-war conflicts around the world and created something he calls the Pentagon's new map.
The short of it is that he believes that the world is split into two “camps” for lack of a better world, the “core” which principally includes North American, Western Union and several other Eurasian countries among others, and the “Gap” which is everyone else in the Southwest and Southeast Asia, Africa and certain parts of central and southern America. He believes that the major dividing factor between these areas is connectedness or the lack of globalization, meaning the people of the “core” enjoy such things as universal rights, representation in their respective governments, relatively open markets and most importantly the ability for social and economical mobility. In the book he includes a map of the world with a dotted outline around the “gap” and dots to indicate the major US and UN military operations between 1990 and 2003. I don't think I need to say that most of these “dots” fall within the gap.
If this is true, then there are those (mainly conservative) who would say that we should just say screw it and leave these areas to their own devices, as the welfare of some ass backwards degenerates isn't worth our blood and money. These people couldn't be more wrong, and I don't say this just because it says so in the book. All I can think about is the time in my life where I couldn't really be considered an asset to society (to put it nicely) and the mentality that I had to justify the things I did to myself, which could briefly be summed up as “these people don't care about me so fuck em”. At that time I didn't feel like I was apart of the “American society” so when it came time to do things that went against the established rules, they weren't even a consideration. In the words of Dave Chappelle “You got Kids?! Oh yea, well I eat cottage cheese for dinner”.
The simple fact of the matter is that western society as a whole will never be safe as long as we try and justify our median $30,000 a year incomes while people around the world struggle to get by with less than a dollar a day. We can continue just getting it while the gettin's good, but all we're really doing is setting up another 9\11, if not for ourselves than for our kids.
It may sound like that things are starting to jump into the realm of Marx with the whole “economic disparity is the source of conflict” but It's not. The book believes that the answer to this particular problem is “shrinking” the gap or bringing this areas of the world not connected with the rest into the leviathan that is globalization. The reason that he believes that state-centric wars are a thing of the past is because in today's interconnected world there is no good to be gained from a war when both sides are interdependent on one another. Take the instance of China for example: There are many who believe that China will be America's next adversary and that conflict is inevitable between the two as China grows into it's role as a global superpower. However, the question is, why would China instigate a conflict with it's largest trading partner? It's a good question that I had never really considered, but where my thoughts differ is that I think the author may be discounting the irrationality of people with power. That's not to say that anything is certain but that it remains to be seen.
However, I don't think that uncertainty is enough to entirely disregard what he has to say. I'm forced, once again, to think about how I got to be where I am today and how I came to be the person I am from the person I was. When I went into the Army the first thing I noticed was that there were 3 black kids out of 300, which was remarkably different from what I was used to on the south side of Chicago. My mother was white, but that really didn't make much of a difference as I still thought I was screwed, but as I was forced to live with people I never thought I'd even talk to I began to realize that things were far different then I believed. I mean, who knew there were cool people from Montana? The more I came to know these people I absolutely hated, the harder it became for me to justify the enmity that I believed existed between our respective “worlds”. It's true that I had a white mother, which might have made things different for me, but the same thing has held true for all my friends who gone into the military themselves.
So, yea, I can certainly buy into what this guy is saying. The tougher question is how we go about doing this, especially since there are those who would rather see us just mind our business I.e. The Bin Ladens of the world. Throwing money indiscriminately at the problem isn't the answer, as our own welfare program is a testament to and we certainly can't expect transnational organizations to have much of an effect as long as there are those who would abuse the rule they enjoy at the expense of their people.
The short answer is that those of us who do enjoy the most of what the world offers have to come together and make a concentrated effort to do something. That means the UN and western Europe has to stop pussyfooting around the issues and step up to do something more than issue strongly worded resolutions and that the United States has to get off it's high horse and accept the help of others. It's been established that we can beat anyone down with impunity now let's move on. That also means that we as a whole might have to roll up our sleeves and get a little dirty something that few people can stomach and even less can do. This is where I fully anticipate losing people as I talk about why I think this war in Iraq can be a good thing, and other uncool things.
I won't lie, I was for the war in Iraq before it started for many reasons, but the basic one to me was man these dudes are sucking, I wish someone would've helped my ass out so, so yea lets go do something. I certainly haven't agreed with a lot of the things that has happened since we went in, but I definitely don't think it's the first step towards a new nazism. In this case I'll defer to the actual book to sum up why I think the war in Iraq was\is the right thing to do in the context of the last few pages of text:

What is so amazingly courageous about what the Bush Administration has done in trying to generate a Big Bang throughout the Middle East is that it has committed our nation to shrinking a major portion of the gap in one ell swoop. By doing so I believe this Administration has forced America to finally come through on promises repeatedly offered during the cold war but never delivered. In effect, America has been telling the gap for decades that we would really love to come in there and help straighten things out security-wise, but we always seemed to have bigger fish to fry: the Soviets, the fabled near-pear [The promotion of China has our inevitable adversary], our own self-improvement as the world's sole military superpower... whatever. But by taking down Saddam Hussein and turning Iraq into a magnet for every Jihadist with a one way ticket to paradise, America has really thrown down the gauntlet in the Middle East – It has finally begun exporting security for real. In the past, we always had ulterior motives: to keep the Soviet's, to keep the oil flowing, to keep Israel safe. But reconnecting Iraq to the world is so much bigger than any of those goals. It's about creating a future worth living for a billion Muslims we could just as easily consign to the past... Political commentators who prattle on about how George W. Bush has “staked his entire presidency” on Iraq cannot see the forest for the trees. Bush has staked a whole lot more than his political career on Iraq: He has set a showdown between the forces of connectedness and disconnectedness in our world.. In reality, there are plenty of forces within the Core who favor disconnectedness over connectedness, and we will face as many battles with them in coming years as we will face with the Bin Ladens of the gap. That is because many governments in the core still view the world system as a balance of powers, so any rise in U.S. Influence or presence in the Middle East is seen as a loss of their influence or presence there. Too many of these “great powers” are led by small minds who prefer America's failure's to the Core's expansion, because they see their national interests enhanced by the former and diminished by the latter. They prefer the Gap's continued suffering to their own loss of prestige, and they should be ashamed for their selfishness.
That is not to say that America's motives in the gap, or more specifically in the Middle East, are selfless, because they are not. In the end, it took .. 9\11 .. and all the pain it inflicted to motivate America to finally do something significant to address the long standing security issues and big “significant” I mean more than keeping rogue regimes in the box.

I've been saying for some time that I think the war in Iraq, means a lot more than weapons of mass destruction, or free oil. In reality, it means either a major step forward in the “Global war on Terrorism” on one hand, and a crushing defeat that if we're lucky our great-grandchildren will be able to recover from, on the other. So, as much as I may dislike the “kill em all” attitude espoused by some on the right I absolutely loathe those who would have us leave because people died or even better because “we're one to talk”. Whether or not you like it, we were in this for the long run before 9\11 or even the first desert storm. We just didn't know it then. So, pointing your finger and saying I told you so doesn't really do a whole lot to help. We as a whole need to seriously approach this issue from where things stand, today.
I'd just like to point out that I'm not in the boat that believes throwing a couple hundred thousand more soldiers into harms way will rectify the matter either. My personal experience is that there are a lot of people in Iraq really making a difference, but then there a lot of people are just there to be there. Hey look ma, I'm in Iraq! No hands!
What we need in addition to boots on the ground is a definite plan to rebuild this country and connect it to the rest of the world (something we don't have right now). The governments of the world have to make a commitment to rebuilding Iraq and establishing an infrastructure and a legitimate government entity and yes that entails providing the security necessary to make that happen. It also means outside economic investment from the public and private sectors, which can' t be limited to oil development if it is to have a lasting effect. Unfortunately, people will make money during all of this, so we might as well prepare ourselves for that 'horrible” outcome.
Of the above, the most important aspect is that of formulating a realistic plan for the future. We need a Marshall Plan for the Middle East. I'm not trying to suggest to that there aren't people who are doing this very thing, but the fact is they need to work faster. In the 1940's people couldn't watch the video of their family members getting blown the hell up 5 hours after it happened. So while, a little patience may be in order, the higher ups need to understand that they don't have the time that their ancestors may have had in the 1940's. I'd say the first order of business is a serious re-evaluation of the Department of Defense and it's commitments worldwide and not just Iraq. Like I said earlier there are a lot of people in Iraq who are just kinda there, that doesn't mean that they aren't doing anything, far from it, but the fact is a lot of the shit is made up as they go along to justify someones silver star. I won't even begin to get into the ridiculousness of having tanks patrol cities when we're trying to settle things down. We may have the best military in the world, but our police force is severely lacking and that is something that needs to be addressed if we are to do any good in Iraq or anywhere else and in all seriousness you won't see people lining up to do anything in Iraq as long as they think it's pointless. That's just one of the many reasons we need to supply that point.
Ultimately, I'm not really concerned about the military's ability to adapt to the coming changes in the world. There are a lot of intelligent, motivated people who's job depend on it, and if history is any indication they'll come through with flying colors. Prior to the Vietnam war there were those who believed that we were incapable of fighting in the jungles as it was trained for the preceding Korean and World Wars. However, that same mis trained military was able to win every single battle, but it wasn't the strength of arms that lost the conflict it was a weakness of heart. We as a people just didn't have the heart to support that war (and for good reason) and I'd be lying if I said I thought the people of today had what it took to change the world for the better, let alone win the war in Iraq.
Ask some people to give a dollar to a homeless guy and they'll act like you want their first born, and god forbid you ask someone to give some time or effort. We as a people are too caught up in what we think we deserve, that we have no choice but to turn a blind eye to those people who would kill to get a fraction of it. We'll easily spend a few hundred if not thousands of billions on entertainment in the form of video games, movies, television and other such superfluous things and yet we're talking about withholding our dues form the United Nations.
The down side to connecting the rest of the world is that we have to share a part of their burden, and for that to happen we all have to seriously sit down and reconsider our operational needs. If it necessary to have this big truck? Or an Xbox and a Playstation? I know what I'm saying sounds like bullshit, but in reality its a small price to pay for our security and continued economic prosperity.

Since, I've talked about this book and how great it is I guess I'll mention the one thing that I had a problem with, and it wasn't really what was said, but rather what wasn't. For all it's worth it doesn't even begin to touch the subject of our own disconnectedness. I mentioned myself a couple times earlier, and the fact is that just as there are people in Africa who would threaten our security because they don't feel apart of this world, there exists people in our own borders who feel the same way. If we as a world are going to open ourselves up then that means that there will be more different kinds of people in what we consider our homes, and chances are they won' t be the well to do. So as the system we have perpetuates the inequalities within we'll never really have peace domestically. The classic example is how the American public for the most part didn't give two shits about the drug epidemic in the black and Hispanic community until the same problem began to confront their own children and the response was to systematically go after those people same black and Hispanic people as if they were the root of the problem and they weren't. So we, in the west ,need to look not only without but within if peace is to prosper. How can we honestly tell people to straighten up when there are till systematically depressed people in our own societies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating a policy of inaction until we are capable of dealing with our own problems, but we need to move into the information age and start multi-tasking.
I'm alluding to is more of the micro aspect of the book's macro and just like economics I don't think either side can be ignored. As countries continue to make efforts to better themselves they will undoubtedly look for those already there for an example and we if we can't do it what hope do we have for countries like North Korea?

Anyway, the entire purpose of this was to illicit some sort of discussion on the topics covered and so far It's been more of an essay, or even worse a book report. So I guess I'll touch on some things in particular I would really like to talk about so I can get a better idea of what other people are thinking.

1. Do you agree with the premise that the road to world peace is through more connectivity in the modern world, i.e. Through greater economic interdependence etc? If not, why and if you still think its possible by what means do you see it happening?
2. Do you think the United States has the responsibility or even the capability of stepping up to the global plate to secure a better future for us all?
3. Do you think we even should bother with the above?
4. What sort of obstacles do you see presenting themselves as the war in Iraq and the Global War on terrorism progresses? What sort of solutions do you see to these problems?

As an addendum to everything that is said, I'm pretty much going off the assumption that we as Americans aren't totally malicious people hell bent on screwing over the rest of the world. So I'd rather not get into debates on how we're so fucked up that we should just be happy the rest of the world even talks to us. If you've made it this far I thank you for reading. It's just another afternoon for me.

There but for the grace of god goes I...

I kind of let my last post screech to a halt before I touched on something that I really wanted to touch on. So I'm doing this here, raw and uncut from the public computer terminal. I'll try and make this as concise as possible because I dunno who is gonna walk in and my alt-tab might get slow.
Anyway, to the point: One night I got to sit up with Twan and talk about the things that led up to what he did. It was difficult because he obviously had reservations about telling me and this is the guy I've shared shit that NO ONE else knows. So, I listened and it was obvious that he wasn't really comfortable talking about it. I'm not really gonna go into it, but it I guess some of the shit could sound outlandish to some people.
The thing about it though is that I really understood where he was coming from on alot of levels. I went through my times, and I had to fight my demons and until then it didn't really dawn on me as to how lucky I was. I did more than my fair shit of dirt, or even stupid shit and I realized that it could easily be me facing significant jail time, or worse.
Whenever you're in Chicago, in the hood it's like you never left. I could be a 4 star general, with 3 kids and a great life but if I walked down 79th street I'd just be another motherfucker. I guess thats what really scares me about Chicago and why I'm never there. When I see the bums on the street, or just the guys barely making it by trying to survive I can SEE myself as them.

no..

That's putting it lightly.

I can FEEL myself there, as one of them and for all the things I've done and all the things I'm trying to do I can't even imagine myself doing it, even as it's being done. Being in the Army, having money, going to college, being successful to me the shits like a hazy dream that doesn't even real seem like it's there, while all the bullshit, all the despair all the trifles of the streets are cold reality.

I dunno really. I guess the doubt is something I'll never be able to shake.

I alluded to my last post earlier and it was the thought of my father that made it so I couldn't really type anymore. I'll just add a little more on to that as well while I'm at it. I didn't say a word to the man, he tried to talk to me but I just can't bring myself to speak to the man. I think it's because I'm afraid. It's not like the way it was when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of my dad that it felt like I could face anything else in the world because, fuck it wadn't my dad. It's something different though because everything I think of him I try to imagine what it was that made him turn out the way he did. I know hes not stupid, and I know I'm more like him then I care to admit. It's just that I can't ever fathom allowing myself to be like him, but I've been told that he felt the same way about his pop and things didn't work out for him at all. The fear is that I don' t know if I'm prepared to hear what it was, because whatever it was I may not be able to handle and I'm sure I'll have to face it at some point.

Again. I dunno, and I really wish I did.

Home

I'm not much of a writer. I mean, I can do well occasionally but it's writing is definitely not my strong suit. In fact, English or any sort of language is the only academic subject that I don' t have complete confidence in. So it's weird to find myself in a position where people outside of my immediate family actually want to read what I have to write but nevertheless here I am.
I started doing all this as a response to another's post on an online bulletin board for a massive multi-player online game. For you non nerds that's a game like Everquest where the point of the game is to interact in a fantasy world in real time with thousands of different people. He was writing about the culture shock experienced through his time as a grammar school teacher in Asia and the re-newed shock he was anticipating returning to the life he had lived for the majority of his life. There was something about his post that resonated deeply with me and I just had to write a response which ended up being my first ever blog entry. Stay with me I'm starting, albeit slowly, to get to the point.
Since that time, I've written several other entries that have ranged from shitty to very shitty covering a lot of different ground from my time in Iraq to random things that had crossed my mind at the time. However, since that initial time I've never experienced something that has made me feel the absolute necessity to write about it. That is, until quite recently when I went home for two weeks to “rest and recuperate”. It's probably hard to imagine but the most significant thing that has happened to me since I deployed to Iraq has been returning home to the world I know, or knew. I'm writing this to sort through my own thoughts and feelings about the last two weeks. Anything else is secondary.
I don't really expect this to be easy as my mind is flooded with a lot of different things and I have no clue as to how they'll play themselves out over the next few paragraphs. If anyone besides myself is reading this paragraph then that means I was absolutely right, but you're more than welcome to try and sift through my thoughts.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I flew from Mosul to Kuwait to Germany to Atlanta to Chicago and believe me when I say it was as painful as it sounds but for the most part it was uneventful. That of course changed when I got off the plane, walked to the train and started the relatively short ride home. Well, it did for me at least.
I have never felt so out of place in my entire life than when I was riding on the same train that I had taken countless times before. The sights, the smells, the sounds, the air, the faces, seemed so completely foreign, and yet I knew in the back of my mind that this was me, this was where I had come from. I can only imagine I looked like one of those wide eyed shell shocked veterans that are so characteristic of any soldier returning home story and I don't even like being cliché.
I just couldn't get used to the people going about their lives as if there were nothing going on. Hell, it took me several days to stop looking down the street for road side bombs or good places for snipers to hang out and I never stopped thinking about what was going on with the platoon. This was just the beginning.
Since I joined the military I haven't really gone home a whole lot. I was getting into a lot of trouble there and I just didn't really want to find myself in a bad situation for the simple fact of me being around. I certainly miss my friends and family but I felt that the best way to get around from the bullshit was to avoid the source. I have a lot more to say about this in particular but I'll come back to it later. I'm just using this as an introduction to the next thing, which stems from the fact that I really haven't been around.
As I rode the train, walked home, went to the mall to buy clothes and did pretty much everything else I was literally bombarded by memories. There were good and bad memories, but the significance of it was the fact that they were therefor ever single place I went and every single street I traveled down. I couldn't go a block without having to stop for a second. I felt like I was trapped in that hazy aura that accompanies any flashback sequence, except most of it didn't matter at all. I'd go to the store and remember the time me and my boy got kicked out for acting a fool, or just some random occurence as I drove by my old high school.
I guess the most foreboding aspect of all this was the underlying feeling that this was the past, that there was no future associated with any of it. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by saying this but it was kinda like my life was flashing before my eyes. The overall effect this had was the feeling that I was somehow looking back on a life that was never to be repeated regardless of how I felt about it.
The other aspect of it is that it reinforces the feeling that you have when you're deployed that your entire life is on hold. I have a lot to look forward to next year but that doesn't matter as everyone has something back home that is waiting on them, whether it be a wife, job, kids, car, or anything in between. So, all you do is think about these things because there really is nothing else to keep your mind occupied. It's not that bad when everyone around you is in the same boat but it's entirely different when you see everyone living their life, going about their business and doing the things they enjoy. You feel kind of out of place, like you don't belong and the way every gawks at you in a military uniform doesn't help things at all.
I didn't really do a whole lot when I was home, which is kind of surprising considering I had 7 months to think about all the things I wanted to do. It was just hard to generate excitement for things when the fact that you had to go back to the grind in a short time. The first few days it was so bad I just ended up going to sleep early.
My time wasn't completely unproductive; I hung out with friends, saw family and even got down to Washington D.C. to visit American University. It seems like everything I expected and I'm really excited about going there next spring. I'm gonna refrain from talking about it too much for the sake of not tempting fate. I talked to some of the staff and I shouldn't have any issues with my deferment because of the deployment but this is pretty important to me so I'm not gonna play around. I will say though that if everything works out I think I'll really enjoy my time there and it'll be a great experience.
The family is doing well for the most part. I didn't get to see my granny as she was put into a home while I was gone and I really regret not being able to find out where it was at. The sister is looking more grown to ever, which is a little weird but I'm sure I'll get used to it. My mom is maintaining to say the least. She still hasn't finished her dissertation but she has been taking steps to do so. So, hopefully one day soon. Also, she asked me to go to church with her which was a little surprising as the last thing I heard was that she had stopped attending regularly which was disappointing to put it mildly.
I'm not a religious person and I pretty much stopped going to church a long time ago but I really enjoyed the brief time I was there. Just walking into the building was eye-opening as I had spent so much time there as a child but now I saw things as an adult. It was all the same, but then it was different, smaller. The most profound thing was how I was received by the people. A lot of them were people who I had known since day 1, but I hadn't had any desire to associate with for a long time. I guess everybody goes through that phase, but now I could see the genuine love and affection these people had for me, and surprisingly the love I had for them.
You'd probably have to know me a lot more to understand the significance of this but “cold” and “detached” are some of the adjectives used to describe me on most occasions. It was an epiphany of the past as I used to think no one gave a fuck and acted accordingly and yet here were these people who truly cared for all the right reasons and I never really knew till two weeks ago, and yet they had always been there. I just refused to see it. I'm sure there are a lot of people who go through similar phases in their lives where they take things for granted, but mine had some pretty serious consequences and if things had went different I'd probably still be paying for it. That tells me that I need to be a little more receptive to the world around me, but unfortunately that lesson is gonna take a long time to sink in.
My grandmother is still recovering from back surgery that she had earlier this year. She's a bit more slow moving than I'm used to, but it's no where near the level that it was with my grandfather. I'm still recovering from seeing him cooped up in a hospital bed. She's beginning to move around and slowly moving back into her grind of things. When I was home I actually got to sit down and talk to her about a few things. It was an enlightening conversation as it went beyond the cursory “Hi, how have you been? Me? I'm fine, but yea it was nice talking to you again”.
I was able to see where some of my attitudes and outlooks on life came from as we talked about the struggle shes going through to get back on her feet. It was weird to hear her talk about having to leave Nebraska to get out in there in the world because it literally mirrored things I had said to my friends about Chicago. Our backgrounds couldn't be more different but yet in many ways we were so similar.
I kinda regret not being able to do the same thing with either one of my grandfathers or my granny. I guess I've been reaching out a lot more to family recently. Last year I visited my cousin Adrian in California and it really threw me how much we had in common even though we had only seen each other a handful of times. I guess having something in common with people regardless of how well you know them is why family is so special. Then again, that can be bad too.
When I was visiting the other side of my family I got to sit down with my cousin Marcus and talk about adult things which was another first, but probably more significant was the fact that I saw my father for the first time in five years. He found out that I was coming to visit and made it a point to be there. I don' t know what he was trying to accomplish but I do know that he still has the ability to make me angry beyond measure on sight. I about killed the motherfucker when he walked towards me. I thought I was beyond really caring about him or anything he did but obviously not. In fact, it's so bad that I can't even really bring myself to continue in this line so I'm gonna deftly change the subject:

My friends are doing relatively well. Lawrence is still trying to beat his case but I'm past the initial anger I had when he did what he did. Everyone else is just getting by; I can't knock it but then again I can't see it either. Since I joined the Army I've been avoiding Chicago so I don't have to get involved in the sort of things that goes on there. I know enough about myself to realize that I won' t be able to distance myself from anything that goes on. I still say that the hardest thing I ever had to do for the Army was get on that bus from Chicago to basic training. I haven't really looked back since.
This last trip home was longer than all the ones in the last three years combined. It hasn't really changed a bit. I'd be lying if I didn't say I missed it and really enjoyed being able to go out with my boys like nothing changed, but it has. I don't see anything, outside of a catastrophic event, necessitating a major change in policy. The hardest part about the whole thing was seeing Cortez's lil brothers on the same shit we were on 4-5 years ago. I can't act like I wasn't there myself but it's still fucked up to see people doing the same fucked up things. I just hope things work out and they don't end up as some more dead niggers in Chicago. I'll try and help but I'm not the one who can do anything significant. They have to want to see something different in their lives.
That's pretty much my leave. I wish I could find interesting things to talk about in Iraq but it gets kind of routine over here. I know most people don't give two shits about my personal life, but this was more for me than anything else. Thanks for reading.

New stuff

I've been about 2 paragraphs into a post for about 4 days now. I started off strong, I had the basic outline worked out, and had even formulated all the half-assed attempts at being clever worked out in my head. It's just that when it came time to sit at my laptop I just couldn't do it. I'd pull up the file and I'd just lose interest just as the program finished loading.
I was gonna talk about the going ons in the middle easter and how awesome it was that I had managed to find a Time, A copy of The Economist, and some sort of foreign affairs digest at the PX (score!) because they all had articles talking about the recent successes in the region. Every time I had a few seconds I'd think about finishing that post I started, but something more important like say, my 700th game of spider solitaire would always come along.
However, I think I found out what the problem was: Deep down inside I'm not much of an optimistic person, at least not in the sense that I can think the best of everything around me regardless of the circumstances. I think in the past I may have been a little too liberal with my optimism for the area, and my active participation in the affairs. There hasn't been anything major that happened to change anything, I still feel that we were ultimately right in doing what we've done. I still feel like we don good by the people here when I ride down the street and see all the waving kids, but I'm sure someone else could ride down the same street and be aghast at the same scene because of the children that could be there and aren't.
Anyway, nothing has really changed but it was been something negative that has inspired this particular post. As I was bsing on the Internet earlier for no particular reason I was reading an article about the Iraqi parliament having troubles with choosing a speaker, and how the whole affair degenerated into a shouting match between opposing sides. I'm not really stressing over all of that, because well fuck it, shit happens. I'm quite sure our constitution convention had its share of “friction” and if not theres always that got milk commercial with the Raymond Burr fanatic to remind us of our storied history.
The thing that got me was a quote in response to the incident from someone in our administration that I can't quite recall without referencing the article and since it's three AM and my boots have somehow found their way to the floor without my feet. I'll just have to paraphrase (please bare with me). All bullshit aside, someone said that the Iraqi's are setting the example for the middle east. I guess that's a good political response, but what gets me is the simplistic truth that lies beneath the obvious intentions of the statements: Iraq is the example for the Middle East good or bad.
It's true that what happens in Iraq will have reverberations throughout the rest of the region, but that's a very dangerous double edged sword. Any gains made in countries like Egypt, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Syria are likely to vanish quickly if things deteriorate in Iraq and unfortunately the regions' history isn't exactly in our favor. I guess the scariest revelation found along the line of thought I've been pursuing for a few minutes now is that there is little if anything we as Americans can do in the long run, and we'll undoubtedly receive a good dose of the fallout if any occurs.
It's been said that you can not give a man freedom, but that he has to take it for himself. That quote definitely rings true at this juncture. Yea, we can stay here and be a military presence, we can give the government billions of dollars in training and equipment, but in the end all of it will be naught if the country decides to follow the beaten track and do what seems endemic to the region; fight within itself. I guess there really isn't that much to this post, besides me sorting out my own thoughts, but I guess it'll have to do.
I guess I'll leave things off with the opening line from the two “lost paragraphs” mentioned earlier. “Hey, look at me, updating my thing more than once a month. I wouldn't get too excited though, this probably isn't gonna be a habit.”

Berfday

Well, anyway it has actually been quite a few days since I wrote this. I've actually been pretty busy. Things are no where near as bad for us as they were at first but we've been running pretty strong nevertheless. I wish I would write more but there is nothing really to talk about. I guess I've hit that point where things are mundane and boring, as hard as that may be for people out there to understand. Anyway, heres my "birthday post" it was on Mar 9th.

The other day to very little fanfare my 22nd birthday came and went. As hard as it may be to imagine there were no parades, late television dedications and unfortunately classes were still held in high schools across the country. In all seriousness, I'm not really one for holidays or celebrations. I usually find myself pulling double shifts or taking over duties for someone else, so that they may spend precious time with their families and I rarely if ever take advantage of opportunities to go home for the holidays.
However, I tend to go into what can only be described as a deep introspective period around my birthdays. I can only assume that it has something to do with the fact that I never expected to be 22 years old and each successive year is akin to a sucker punch to the jaw. I not to make a big deal out of anything in general and considering my current location in the world, I'd hate to make things seem to be worse than they really are, but the fact remains that I haven't really had the “ideal” life.
It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the guidance counselor's office at my high school explaining how it was a waste of my time to participate in English class because I had maybe 1, 2 years tops before I ended up in a cell or worse. I'd love to chalk all that up to youthful naivety but then again she agreed with me.
I'm trying hard to turn this into a “My life has been so fucked up” post, and I've had to re-write these few sentences several times trying to find the right way to get on with it. It's not as easy as it should be but the point I'm trying to make is that there is something about my birthday that causes me to dwell on my past self and the things that have happened. It's certainly not the only time that this happens (as this website is a testament to), but it's certainly the most regular.
The ability to look within oneself and to analyze the past isn't so bad and many people would probably be better off with it, but in my case I tend to disassociate myself from people in general and tend to neglect important things like say, food and sleep. I almost made it through this year but alas here I am typing away when I should be sleeping. However, I still remain optimistic, as I'm not really hungry right now and I'll (hopefully) be able to sleep once I finish this.
It really is hard to appreciate how far I have come in the last 4-6 years. It's doubtful that somebody who knew me 5 years ago would even recognize me today. There has been of course physical changes; I've probably grown an inch or two and gained about 50 lbs (of muscle damn it), but by far the most remarkable change has been in the confidence I've gained in my self.
I really don't want to delve too deep into it, but my earlier years were characterized by deep rooted insecurities that manifested themselves in a variety of ways. Today, insecurity is the probably the last thing that comes to peoples mind when they meet me. In fact, I've probably grown too arrogant and over bearing in some regards, but it's leap of faith to state that I'm an entirely different person. In reality, I'd be lying if I said that I never doubted myself or that I didn't have moments when I question myself. The difference is that where I used to dread the coming day because I saw nothing but a protracted meaningless existence, I look forward to it because I see the opportunities of the future.
It really is a wonderful feeling and I hope it continues for many years to come. I guess this is an appropriate time to thank the people who have helped me get to this point in my life.... Thanks, it's been appreciated....

I'm not gonna make some sort of list because well a good majority of the people probably don't read this and even so they know who they are.

Success...?

Success...?

Well, it's been a while since I've posted, which I'll explain later, but current events compels me to say a little bit. A few days ago Iraqis' turned out in droves to cast their votes for a provisional Iraqi council; one of the first steps necessary for self rule. If any thing else it quells any doubts about whether or not democracy is possible in a tribal, impoverished, Islamic Nation.
As much as I'd like to take some sort of credit for what happened, the credit is due to the people of Iraq. It wasn't my family who were threatened if I voted, nor was it my head on the platter so to speak. They stepped up to the plate, and it would be an understatement to say that I am impressed (not that I'm really anyone worth impressing, but still.) They far exceeded what we as Americans would expect out of ourselves and they did it facing a level of risk that few of us will ever know.
I can't help but think that I take too much for granted when I see the pictures of people standing in line to cast their vote with the destruction of a recent attack in the background. I get frustrated enough to leave if there's more than a 15 minute wait at Harold's Chicken Shack.
However, things are far from over. We still don't know to what extent the Sunni's sat things out, and what effects that will have on things to come. Overall, the situation is still fragile enough that things could go in any undesirable direction.. It'll be a long war and this was just one battle in many more to come. The country still has to draft a constitution and get it ratified with the support of all three of the major factions. If not, we'll be right here again next year waiting on the new council to be voted in and there's no telling how long the zeal for democracy in Iraq will last for both Americans and Iraqis if things don't go well in the following months.
All this just goes to show what has been done, and what is possible in the future. I'm sure a few of the terrorists are re-evaluating their position in things, when their threats and actions proved vastly ineffectual in regards to deterring an election. That's not to say that they should be counted out. I'm sure we'll all see what happens in the near future.





I've been kept pretty busy for the last few weeks. We got re-assigned to another command, the fourth time in four months. At least this time it looks like we'll be here for a while. I'd like to say what we're doing, but whatever penalties there were for op-sec violations before have increased exponentially. It's nothing really too special, but it's just the way things are. The thing is we never go outside the wire to interact with the people, which is a let down but we do have a little bit more satisfaction in regards to our overall role in the grand scheme of things.
In our down time I've pretty much given up on readings for the time being. I still read here and there but I've been doing a lot of other things. I arranged it so I could take a few correspondence courses for my degree while I'm here so I don't feel so bad about putting off full time school for over another year. So, between that and preparing to actually go to school full time my time is pretty much taken up.
It seems like all I can really think about now is the day I'm out of the Army and doing my own thing. In the past it's been pretty easy to focus on the job at hand and block out the outside shit till the time comes, but it's just been getting harder and harder everyday. Trying to figure out where exactly I'll live, how much time off I'll take, If and where I'll work and plain ole figuring out how to get from point A to point B is pretty consuming.
The Army is rough in its own respects but then again it's so structured and everything is provided. You don't have to worry about meals, where you live or many other of the mundane things that accompany “civilian life”. It's been over 4 years since I've been on my own and to say things have changed is an understatement, so I can't help but wonder how the adjustment will go.
I still remember the bus ride I had from Chicago to Ft Knox and the thoughts going through my head at the time.

“well this is it, the first step in the rest of my life”

It's hard to explain the feelings that accompanied leaving the familiar and what you know to completely immersing myself in the foreign and the unknown, with the twist being that I couldn't just turn around because there was nothing to turn around to.
There was only 3 other people on that bus and I doubt it would have mattered if there were 300. It was like the only thing around me were the tangible manifestations of my hopes, fears, ambitions, doubts and anxieties. At times it felt like there was no way I could ever step off that bus, but then I knew that I had to leave whenever that bus stopped and the door opened. Then at other times it felt like getting off that bus was the one thing I had been waiting on my entire life.
Today, I feel the same way, which was just how I felt yesterday and the day before that. In essence, this whole deployment has become one long, dangerous bus ride. I sit here typing away at the dawn of another chapter in my life and I don't know if I can adjust to the civilian life, or go to college full time with other college people as some people around here call it. There is no telling if I'll do as well in school as I did in the military and of course there is the possibility that it's just “not me”.
Yet, I know this is what I need to do, I can't help but feel as if I've been waiting to do this forever and that everything I have done up to this point has lead me to this stage of my life. It doesn't matter that all of this revolves around my going to school and 4 years ago I joined the military because I didn't want to have anything to do with school and the feeling was mutual. All of this is inevitable, it's that simple.
Of course there is the very real possibility that I never make it to next semester, or to next week. My unit is still taking casualties like it's never going out of style, and I could catch one tomorrow. But that's another discussion for another time and that I rarely if ever think about, because the reality is I could go through four tours in the worst shit imaginable and get taken out by a freak plumbing accident at some truck stop in Indiana on my way home.

I really, don't remember where I was going when I started all this, and I don't really know what else to say, so I guess you could say I'm just waiting to reach my stop and until then I'll try and keep things updated a little more.