After posting my last post her and I had a very interesting exchange regarding the nature the place of emotions in things like this. We were discussing whether or not it was worthwhile to tone down our response to these types of things. I was suggesting that sometimes it may it is necessary to tone down your emotions in order to get your point across. Her response was something like, well not all of us are as emotionless as you. Somewhat inadvertently this discussion sent me down an introspective trail that I hadn't really intended to go down. I've written down some of my thoughts on it after the jump.
Her comment took me off guard. It wasn't because it wasn't an honest observation but because that is the observation that so many make about me. Yet, I'd like to think that's an accurate reflection of who I am as a person. Contrary to popular belief, I'm a highly sensitive person and I'm probably driven by emotions more than most people. Over the years I've developed a pretty impressive array of defense mechanisms to mitigate the impact this has on my personal and professional life. But, the cost of this is that people don't realize that they are there.
It begs the question of if no one ever knows about your emotions does it really matter if they are there? By denying people the opportunity to see your emotions do you essentially negate their very existence? or, taking it a step further do you lose a part of yourself in the process?
During my recent break up with the ex she said that she didn't realize that she could hurt me as much as she did. That comment moreso than anything else hit me because if someone I had been with for almost 3 years on and off didn't know that about me, what then?
Then there's the part about losing a little bit of who you are as a person. 10 years ago I left Chicago and never really looked back. During that time I've grown a lot professionally and I'm much better off than I would have been otherwise (much much better in fact) but I've also grown disconnected from the people and things that mean the most to me. I look at my life trajectory now and that disconnection is only to get worse unless I take a step back and make what would be a non rational decision (taking time off, putting my career on hold, etc).
The question of course is what is more important in the end? Being successful? having money or staying true to yourself and doing the things that are important to you. I look at my mother who has struggled for now a large part of her adult life because she made a lot of decisions based upon what was most important to her instead of doing what was best professionally or however you'd describe what American society puts out there as its expectations.
As a child I used to question this and admittedly had a very negative impression of some of these decisions because of the impact it had on myself and my family growing up. As I've grown older I've begun to assess that position. A while back I got over the impact and developed an immense amount of respect for her because of the courage and the determination she has shown over the years as she's had to deal with the result of her choices. It's only been recently that I've started to re-evaluate what I thought to be the wisdom of those choices.
I'm sure my mother, like all people, will have regrets when it's all said and done. But she'll also have the peace of mind that comes with knowing she stayed true to heart and made the best of what came. I think there's a lot to be said for that and I've been considering what that means for me and some of the decisions I'll have to make in the coming years. I enjoy what I do professionally, but there's little desire to be an Ambassador or some Assistant Secretary but eventually I'll have to move on to something else. The logical and expected thing to do is to take a step up and continue on the path that is laid out before me, but I'm seriously considering taking a step back to go back to some of the things that are important to me.
I'm not quite sure what looks like but I'm sure that'll be a blog post of the future. As is, I've taken this thought well beyond where it started. So I'll just stop now with something I said in the midst of that conversation as a way of summation: You can be emotional all you want. You just have to realize that the world doesn't necessarily care.
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