So what brings you out here?

I was having lunch with an older member of the PRT. He's a guy who in all reality has no business being here because he's done enough in his life that he probably doesn't have to worry about his legacy. Yet, here he is. I was sitting there wondering what would bring him out here when he caught me off guard by asking the same question.

Him: So what brings you out here? I'm sure you could be doing something else back home.

Me: Uhh..I don' t know. I guess it just seems like the place to be.

Okay. So I guess my response was a little lame, but I've been thinking about it for a bit. Trying to rationalize why, of all the things I could do, I choose to continually come back to places like this to the detriment of almost everything else in my life.

This was much easier 10 years ago because I didn't really care, go shoot things? Fuck yea. I'm in. Who cares if I get blown up? Besides, then I had something to prove. Now? Eh. I don't need to be out here. I've earned a free beer or two. Yet, the same drive is there.

At the end of the day I guess I can't imagine myself doing anything differently. It's just a part of who I am. I remember being a young soldier at Ft Lewis and annoying the shit out of my platoon sergeant on an almost daily basis “Can I transfer to a unit deploying to Afghanistan? .. I've already submitted my 4187 personnel request. I just need you to approve it”. The thought that someone is out there doing something for my benefit is a bit too much for me. I can't stand it. If it needs to be done and it sucks I feel like I'm naturally supposed to be there. I think it may be pathological.

But I oftentimes wonder how this is going to play out. After 10 years of war it looks like our generation is getting a bit tired. Iraq is wrapping up and the politicians are planting the seeds for  us to pull out of Afghanistan. In a couple of years there will be no more American wars and then what will the people like me do to pass the time? I've often told myself that I'll do something else, try and find a better work life balance or something, maybe go to business school or move to Costa Rica to teach English. Then I go to Pakistan. It's gonna suck when I can't do that. I'll have to get a hobby or have children or something.

I'm being pretty flippant about this, but it's a serious issue. You see it in all groups of people who spend their use immersed in conflict. You see child soldiers around the world who can't readjust to life because how do you go from being a leader in combat to selling cheese crackers on the side of the road? Over the last year or so I've started to see some of my old buddies start to grapple with this very issue. They'll ask questions like, “Do you ever miss it?” or “have you been sleeping much since we came back?” and I already know where the conversation is headed. They inevitably express some level if displeasure with where their life has gone after leaving the military. In most cases their relationships and families have fallen apart and they're looking for some sort of meaning in their life. Sometimes they talk about going back into the military, completely forgetting how they couldn't wait to get out in the first place. Of course, that's only a temporary solution. I guess it's hard to imagine for most people who have never done something like this that the hardest part about it isn't actually going, it's coming back. 

Some people will develop psychological disorders like PTSD. Others will become alcoholics others never learn to move on. As the son of a mentally disabled veteran and someone who spent a lot of time in VA hospitals growing up it's a scary thought. So, when you think about this war and you think about what it means for the people who have to fight it, don't worry about what it means to be here. Chances are they signed up for a reason and they'll be fine. It's the day after that's gonna be rough.